Lost and Found
by BSGaddict
Summary: Kara thinks she doesn’t need Lee any more, but events are about to prove her wrong…Set after LDYB2, but no season 3 spoilers.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Kara Thrace didn't need Lee Adama any more.

She had seen to that. She'd built a new life for herself, down on this planet with Sam.

It hadn't been an easy thing to do. She'd had to give up flying her Viper, and that had hurt more than she could ever express. But it had to be done. She'd needed to escape from that life, from Lee, from the twisted mess of their relationship, as much for his sake as her own.

So she had cut them both free. Free to be with other people, to be happy.

It had worked. She married Sam, he had Dee, and she was finally free of that desperate, sickening need for him; for his company, his friendship, his approval – his love.

She had Sam's love now. She was the centre of his world. He never judged her, or challenged her, or pushed her to be anything different. He loved her and accepted her as she was, and she needed nothing more than that.

Certainly not Lee Adama.

-----------------------------------------------

But when he arrived at the resistance camp, with Helo half a step behind him, Kara knew that it was exactly 193 days since she had last seen him. The day she had told him she was leaving the fleet, resulting in a bitter argument in which they had both said things she would rather forget.

And she knew that it was exactly 85 days since she had last spoken to him. The day the Cylons came.

Helo spotted her first.

"Kara!" He folded her into a hug. Kara pressed her face into his shoulder and hugged him back just as hard. She'd missed him so much.

"I'm so glad you're okay," said Helo finally, stepping back. "I was worried – after what happened on Caprica-"

"So was I," said Kara grimly, fighting back a shudder. "That's why I cleared out here, got away from the town as soon as possible." As soon as Sam described the man who had been looking for her, that first day of the attack. If Leoben was looking for her, she certainly didn't want to be found.

"How's Sam?" asked Helo.

"He's fine." Kara smiled. That was one of the few bright spots in the nightmare of the last few months. "He pulled through the pneumonia." He still wasn't quite back to his full strength yet, but he was definitely on the mend.

"How's the Old Man?" she asked.

Helo grinned. "How do you think? Busy plotting to get you all back to Galactica. Which is why we're here."

_We._

Kara hadn't looked once in his direction, but she knew that Lee had come over to join them, had been standing silently next to Helo for the last few moments. She couldn't ignore him any longer.

She took a deep breath and looked at him. He looked tired, and he'd put on weight since she last saw him. But she remembered the expression he was wearing all too well. Closed and hard, blue eyes sharp and fierce – Lee at his prickly, defensive worst.

He still hadn't forgiven her then.

Well, two could play at that game.

"Apollo," she said in her coldest voice, and gave him a brief nod.

His mouth hardened further. "Starbuck," he said tightly, and gave her an identical nod.

Something caught in her throat. She couldn't help but think of the last time they had been reunited after such a long separation, on the Astral Queen. Things had been so different then…but she pushed the memory away. What was done was done, and regrets were useless.

Those damned blue eyes were still staring at her. She struggled for something, anything to say, but fortunately Roslin and Tyrol came out of the tent, and the moment was lost.

Kara watched the reunion as Tyrol and Helo awkwardly hugged, and Laura Roslin took Lee's hand. Lee smiled down at her, that rare dazzling smile of his banishing all the taut wariness from his face.

Kara turned away abruptly, and went to find Sam.

---------------------------------------------

They gathered in the tent, the core people who had led the resistance. Kara, Sam, Roslin, Tyrol, Cally, Doc Cottle. Kara tried not to see the empty spaces where the others had been. Gaeta. Hot Dog. Colonel Tigh.

Her mouth twisted wryly. There was one person she had never thought to mourn. Funny how things turned out.

She pushed the sad thoughts away and tried to focus on the plan Lee was outlining in clear confident tones. A far cry from his first days as CAG, she thought, remembering his awkward speeches with a grin. Still, he'd been a commander for a long time now, and Lee had never liked to fail at anything. She would bet he'd been practising in front of the mirror every night since he'd been promoted.

Lee saw her grin and stopped in mid sentence.

"Something you want to say, Starbuck?"

His tone raised Kara's hackles. How dare he act as if she was a disruptive child, holding up the lesson?

She sent him her most provocative smile. "Nothing at all, Apollo," she said sweetly. "Don't let me interrupt."

For one moment their eyes locked challengingly, and then he looked away and continued.

Sam leaned forward and took her hand. "Rather full of himself, isn't he?" he murmured, and Kara nodded.

-----------------------------------------

Kara hoped the operation would go smoothly. The resistance had been planning how they would evacuate the planet for weeks, sure that the fleet would return for them. Similarly the fleet had been planning for weeks how to divert the Cylons while they got the colonists away. Still, Kara had been involved in too many ops not to know that all the planning in the world wouldn't help if something went unexpectedly wrong.

Adama's diversion plan was ambitious, and it explained why Lee was down on the planet rather than with his ship. The admiral was going to use the Pegasus as an empty decoy, sacrifice it in order to let the other ships get away. Kara couldn't help wondering how Lee felt about that. Perhaps he had come down here so he wouldn't have to see it happen.

Their own job was to get as many colonists as they could to the locations Lee pointed out on the maps, where Raptors would be waiting. They were widely spread, and Kara hoped that the Cylons wouldn't be able to block all of them.

That night, when everyone was asleep, she prayed for the success of the mission. Her idols were one of the few things she had managed to save when they fled to the woods. After so many years, their surfaces had worn smoothly to match the contours of her hands, and the cool touch of the metal never failed to steady her.

She prayed for the success of the mission, and for the safety of those taking part, naming those closest to her. Sam. Helo. Adama. Roslin.

When she had finished she wrapped the idols carefully away in her pack, hoping that the next time she held them she would be back on Galactica.

She looked briefly out through the tent flaps, checking out of habit that everything was quiet and secure, counting the guards patrolling the perimeter.

Everything was as it should be, though the camp was unusually quiet. Normally there was someone moving around at night, drinking or playing cards or talking quietly. But tonight everyone had gone to bed early, knowing they would need all the rest they could get before the op tomorrow.

Except one. There was one person still awake, sitting outside a tent not far from her own, looking up at the stars. Kara could only get a glimpse of his profile in the moonlight, but she knew who it was. He had never been able to sleep the night before an op.

She paused for a moment, tempted. Her muscles tensed, ready to stand and walk over to him and sit by his side. She could tell him that she was sorry for the terrible things she had said the last time they met. She could put her hand in his, and ease his fear and her own by sharing it.

She almost did it. But then Sam turned over in his sleep, murmuring, and she looked back at him, and knew she could not. Her place was with him now, not with Lee.

It was better that way. For all of them.

She concentrated on that, and not on the ache in her throat and the hollow feeling in her chest.

------------------------------------------------

As their Raptor landed on Galactica, Kara couldn't help yelling in triumph. Sam grinned at her and responded with a whoop of his own.

She couldn't believe they had done it. It hadn't been easy. Some groups had never made it to their Raptors. Others had been blown out of the sky. They had lost some of their own group, gunned down or lost in the chaos. But they had got most of the colonists away.

The Raptor doors opened and they spilled out onto the hangar deck. Kara looked around her in wonder, hardly able to believe she was really back here. There had been times over the past few months when she had never thought she would see this place again. She breathed in the familiar smell of grease and engine oil, took comfort in the familiar clank of the deck under her boots.

She was finally home.

"Kara." It was Laura Roslin, looking as if a heavy burden had been lifted from her shoulders. "Sam." She smiled at both of them warmly. "Somehow I knew you two would make it through."

"Are we the last?" Kara asked, trying to work out what was going on. She had listened to the comms in the Raptor, but it had all been chaotically confused.

Laura shook her head. "Not quite. Apollo and Helo are about to land. They're the last. When they do, the Admiral will recall the Vipers and we'll jump away at once."

Kara nodded. "We need to get away from this place as soon as possible."

She heard the last Raptor touch down behind as she spoke, and then Dee's voice came over the comms, recalling the Vipers. Kara watched the combat landings with a stab of envy. Still, it might not be too long before she was back in the cockpit herself. Everything was different now…

The last Vipers landed, and Dee began the countdown to the FTL jump. Kara mouthed the numbers along with her. She couldn't wait to get away from this place, and she breathed a sigh of relief as she reached zero and everything distorted around her.

When the world steadied again she pulled Sam into a tight hug.

"We made it," he muttered against her hair, sounding shocked. "We really made it."

She pulled back and grinned at him. "Of course we made it," she said cockily. "I'm Starbuck – I always make it. As long as you stick close to me-"

He grinned back. "I think I can live with that."

The door of the last Raptor had opened and Kara saw Helo step out. She waved at him.

"Hey, Karl! We did it!"

He looked up, startled and then saw her in the crowd. He blinked and raised one hand briefly.

Kara tensed. That wasn't like Helo. Why wasn't he grinning, or shouting back at her?

"Kara?" Sam looked worried. "You all right?"

"Something's wrong with Helo," she said shortly, and started pushing through the crowds towards him. Sam followed.

Kara kept her eyes fixed on Helo. Was he wounded? She couldn't see anything obvious, but…

Finally she reached him. Now that she had a close look at his face, could see his pale, dazed expression, she knew something was definitely wrong.

"Kara…"

"Karl." She gripped his shoulders, scanning him for wounds. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

Helo swallowed hard. "No. No, I'm not hurt."

Kara dropped her hands, glared at him. "Then what is it? Don't lie to me, I can tell something's wrong."

"It's not me, Kara, I'm fine," Helo insisted, and Kara relaxed slightly. But as her focus on Helo lifted, she was suddenly aware of the other thing that had been niggling at her as she pushed through the crowd, past the people who had just got off the Raptor. A sudden feeling of dread knotted her stomach.

She had only been paying them half her attention, but her soldier's eye had still noted them. And there was one person who had definitely not been among them. She would have known. She always knew when he was near.

Her heart started to thump so loudly that it echoed through her head. She pushed past Helo into the Raptor, looking round wildly.

It was empty.

_No. No, no, no. This can't happen. It can't._

She stumbled towards the cockpit, needing to check that too. Just to make certain…

Both seats were empty. Of course they were.

Her heart was thundering now.

Helo and Sam were still outside the Raptor. Sam was looking puzzled and worried.

"Kara?" His voice was full of concern, but Kara ignored him. She was locked on Helo. Her world had narrowed down to one question and its answer.

"Where's Lee?"

Helo didn't reply for a moment. Kara couldn't bear it.

"Where _is_ he?"

She waited for him to say that Lee had left on another raptor, that she had just missed him in the crowd, that he would be here in a minute and the world would be right again.

But Helo didn't. He took a deep breath and met her eyes with such sadness that Kara flinched away.

"I'm sorry, Kara." His voice was gentler than she had ever heard it. "Apollo didn't make it."

"What do you mean, he didn't make it?" She was half-aware that she was shouting, of Sam's bewildered and anxious face, but none of it really registered. None of it felt real, nothing felt real. It _couldn't_ be real.

_Lords of Kobol, please. No. Not him. Please._

But it was too late to pray. Too late for anything.

The words fell heavily from Helo's mouth.

"Lee's dead."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note: **Bear with me on this one, folks! It's all written except for some tidying up, so I won't keep you in suspense for long. As always, any feedback is appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"What happened?" asked Adama.

He was doing his best to keep his voice under control, but Kara could hear the raw grief underneath. He had lost both his sons now. She noticed that Laura Roslin, who was sitting next to him, put a hand on his arm.

At least she was noticing things again. For a while there everything had been a blur. She wasn't sure how she had got from the hangar bay to the briefing room, or who had told the Admiral, or even how long it had been since Helo had told her Lee was dead.

_Lee's dead._ The words were still echoing around her brain, as they had done ever since Helo spoke them. As if constant repetition might make her believe it.

_It's not supposed to happen like this!_ she wanted to scream. _I'm the one who takes the crazy risks, who pulls the reckless stunts, not him. I'm the one who's supposed to die young. Not him. _

"The Cylons jumped us about four miles from the Raptor," said Helo slowly. "We had twenty to thirty civilians with us, so Apollo sent them ahead and he and I covered the rear, trying to hold off the Cylons for long enough for them to get away. We were managing well enough, but then-" he faltered.

"Then what?" asked Roslin. She leaned forward. "I know this is difficult, Lieutenant, but-"

Helo took a deep breath. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Tell me what happened, Helo." Adama's voice was harsh. "Please."

"Apollo was hit in the leg." Kara clenched her hands tightly together. "We took cover behind a ridge for a short time, and I managed to patch him up. But we couldn't stay there – we had to catch up with the others, make it to the raptor, so we went back out in the open." Helo swallowed. "But Apollo's leg was slowing him down, and they hit him again."

Kara dug her nails into her palms. _I should have been with him. I should have been there to watch his back, as I always used to. I wouldn't have let him get hit._

"It was in the chest this time. It was bad. If we'd had a doctor nearby, then maybe – but we were still two miles from the raptor. I offered to carry him," Helo said abruptly, staring at Adama with something like pleading in his eyes. "I did. I would have. But he wouldn't let me."

"No," said Adama quietly. "He wouldn't."

"He told me to leave him. He said that if I tried to carry him, they'd take me down too and there would be no-one to fly the raptor. He took my spare gun and told me to prop him up against a tree and said he'd hold them off for as long as he could-" Helo's voice broke momentarily. "So I did."

Kara raised her head. "So you didn't actually see him die."

Helo looked taken aback. "No, but-"

"So he could still be alive." She grasped at it, at the tendril of hope. She turned to Adama. "I'm going back for him."

A storm of protest broke, Sam's voice rising over the others. "Kara, what are you talking about? You can't go back, it's too dangerous-"

She turned on him, her eyes glassy. "I don't care. I can't just leave him. He wouldn't leave me."

"Kara." That was Helo. "Kara, I understand how you feel, but there's no point. It's too late. I saw his wound. He was bleeding out; he could barely speak when I left him. He wouldn't have lasted much longer."

"You don't know that," she said stubbornly. Lee was tough, always had been. He survived the last time he was shot in the chest, after all. She tried not to think how close a call that had been, even with Doc Cottle on hand.

She turned to Adama, to the one person here who cared about Lee as much as she did. "Let me take a Viper, sir. Go back for him."

Adama looked at her. Held her gaze for a long moment, his eyes dark with sorrow. Then he shook his head. "I can't let you do that, Kara."

She stared at him, hurt and bewildered. "How can you say that? How can you just leave him there? He's your son!" She saw him flinch slightly at her words.

Roslin saw it, too. "Kara, that's enough!" All the old presidential authority rang through her tone. "I know you'd like to believe Lee is still alive. We all would. But what Lieutenant Agathon says is correct. He wouldn't have survived a wound like that."

"I'm sorry, Kara." That was Adama, some of the old steel back in his voice. "But they're right. Lee's gone, and I won't let you risk your life on a hopeless errand." His voice dropped. "I can't lose you as well."

That silenced her. She dropped back into her seat, defeated. She couldn't do that to him, and he knew it.

"I want your promise." His eyes met hers shrewdly. "I want your promise that you will not sneak off behind my back to do this."

Frak. He knew her too well. She promised. The pain in his eyes wouldn't let her do otherwise. But something in her screamed in protest as she did it. She knew that logically they were all right. That there was no way Lee could have survived. But something in her still felt as if she were abandoning him.

Adama visibly relaxed when she made the promise, though she suspected he would still have marines following her for the next few days and guarding the vipers. Then he turned back to Helo.

"Is that all, Lieutenant?"

"Almost." Helo's eyes were suspiciously bright. "He gave me a message for you, sir."

Adam's breath hitched. "What was it?"

Helo pulled something out of his pocket. "He asked me to give you this, sir." He passed it across the table. Kara caught a glimpse of it – it looked like a cigarette lighter. "He said – he said that he was sorry he couldn't return it himself."

Kara saw Adama's hand clench tightly around the lighter. Then he stood abruptly, and walked out without a word.

Roslin followed him a second later.

Kara suddenly realised that Sam was touching her arm. She looked up. He was watching her with a confused expression on his face. "Kara, let's go. Find some food – you haven't eaten in hours."

"No." She hadn't meant that to come out so harshly. "Not right now. I just – I just need to be alone for a while, Sam." She tried to smile at him, but she didn't think it was very successful.

"Are you sure-?"

"I'm sure." She knew that she shouldn't be closing him out like this, that he was worried about her. She knew she should go to the mess hall with him and let him comfort her like he wanted to.

But she couldn't. She couldn't deal with him now. She couldn't think of anything past Lee, and the fact that he was dead. She didn't want to be comforted. She just wanted to be left alone.

Sam didn't like it, but he didn't argue with her any further. He went, and she was left alone with Helo.

Great. Another well-meaning intruder to deal with. She glared at him.

"I said I wanted to be alone, Karl. That goes for you too."

"In a minute." Helo sighed. "Apollo left a message for you, too."

"He did?" Her heart caught in her throat. She hadn't thought Lee would think of her. He'd been so angry with her…

Why hadn't she gone to him last night? Why? If only she had. If only she had apologised to him, had tried to fix their quarrel. Then she wouldn't be left with the knowledge that the last time they had spoken – really spoken – had been so bitter and hurtful.

She had always thought there would be more time…

"He asked me to give you these," said Helo, pressing something into her hands. She looked down and realised they were Lee's dogtags. "And then he asked me to say he was sorry for the things he'd said to you, that he hoped you could forgive him. And that he loved you."

Kara gripped the dogtags so tightly that the metal cut into her palms. She barely heard the hatch shutting as Helo left the room. She stared down at the name etched into the tags.

"I love you too, Lee," she whispered. It was the first time she had ever said it aloud even to herself. "I love you too."

She only wished she had said it to him. While she still had the chance.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Helo couldn't help groaning inwardly when he saw Sam Anders waiting for him outside the briefing room.

He really didn't need this right now. Every time he closed his eyes he could see Lee Adama bleeding to death in front of him, struggling with the pain as he choked out his last words.

He'd never known Apollo well, but he'd liked what he had known. He'd been a good man and a good commander, and he hadn't deserved to go out like that.

Then there had been the ordeal of reliving it all for the Admiral. He hadn't been able to help feeling that he'd failed the Old Man in some way by leaving his son behind, even though he knew realistically that there was nothing else he could have done.

Then there was Kara. The look in her eyes when he had told her Apollo was dead – just the thought of it made him shudder. He hadn't seen her look so broken since the museum in Delphi.

All he wanted was some hot food, a shower, and then to curl up in his rack and blot it all out. But first there was Sam to deal with.

"How is she?"

_How do you think she is?_ Helo was tempted to reply. _She just lost one of her closest friends._ But instead he said diplomatically, "She's upset, Sam. She just needs some time."

Sam didn't seem reassured. "I don't understand," he said, running a hand through his hair. "This guy – Apollo – I didn't think she even liked him. I mean, you saw how they were glaring at each other during the meeting yesterday."

"I did," said Helo.

"And before that she'd barely seen him for a year, and I know they had some kind of argument when she left the military. I just don't understand," he said, looking bewilderedly at the closed hatch. "I just don't know why she's this upset."

"Well, she has known him for a long time," said Helo gently. Despite his irritation, he couldn't help feeling a little sorry for the man. "Way before the attacks, when she was engaged to his brother. In some ways she's been like family to him and the Old Man."

"I know that, but - but you heard her in there. She wanted to go looking for him. Back on the planet. Just in case he was still alive. It's utter suicide! Why would she even think-"

"There was this one time when she was lost," said Helo. "Everyone thought she was dead, but the Old Man and Apollo refused to believe it and spent hours looking for her. And they were right. I suppose she feels an obligation."

"I suppose," said Sam. He continued to stare at the closed hatch.

Helo put a hand on his shoulder. "Sam, just give her time. You know Kara – she likes to lick her wounds in private. Give her tonight and I'm sure she'll be better in the morning."

Sam sighed. "You're probably right. It's just hard, when she shuts me out."

"I know." Helo steered him away from the hatch. "Let's go to the mess hall. You'll feel better with some food inside you."

He moved Sam firmly away but he couldn't help glancing back at the closed hatch himself. He hoped Kara was going to be okay.

What he'd said to Sam was true, on the surface. Starbuck and Apollo were simply old friends, almost family, even if they'd been on the outs recently.

But this was Kara Thrace, and Helo had learnt years ago that with her you always had to look below the surface. Nothing was ever simple with Kara.

When he first got back to Galactica, he'd heard lots of rumours about Starbuck and Apollo. He'd discounted most of them, especially since he knew that Kara was in love with Anders. But there had been a few occasions when he had wondered if the rumours were true.

They had certainly been true as far as Apollo was concerned. Helo had seen his face as he asked him to tell Kara he loved her, and it hadn't been the face of someone who loved her like a friend, or a sister.

He just hoped it hadn't been true for Kara as well. For her sake and for Sam's.

-------------------------------------------------------------

The Admiral held a memorial service for Lee a couple of days later. Kara stood at his side, in the dress uniform the quartermaster had dug out for her. At one point during the priestess' service Adama reached out and clasped her hand in his, and she was thrown back in time to Zak's funeral. It seemed like eons ago. She thought suddenly that everyone who had attended that funeral was dead now, except Adama and herself, and nearly laughed.

Adama had asked her to say a few words about Lee, and she hadn't felt able to refuse. She had no idea what to say, though. How could she say what Lee meant to her in a few words?

She couldn't even define what he had been to her.

Her best friend?

No._ Helo_ was her best friend. She and Lee had not been best friends. Best friends didn't spend half their time flirting with each other. Best friends didn't have jealous arguments about who the other person was frakking. Best friends didn't call out their best friend's name when they were in bed with someone else.

Lovers, then?

But that didn't fit either. She loved Lee – she was only beginning to realise now just how much – but they had never actually been lovers. There had only been that one time during the hunt for Scar, when she was drunk and despairing – and even then, she had pushed him away and told him there was nothing between them. What a frakking ridiculous lie.

Family?

She supposed they had been family, in a way. Even before Zak died, before the Old Man took her under his wing. But she _wasn't_ family, not truly. And she definitely didn't think of Lee as her brother.

So what had Lee been to her? She wasn't sure she could put it into words. In some way he had been best friend, lover, family – and yet, he was more than that. He was her rock, her anchor. Even during the last year, when they hadn't seen or spoken to each other, she had still known that he was there, nearby; and she had always believed that if she really needed him, he would be there for her, despite everything. He always had been before.

The truth of it was that he was just part of her, in some way she couldn't describe. So much so that she half expected to see a gaping hole in her side where he had been ripped away. So much so that she wasn't sure she would ever be the same without him.

But she couldn't say any of those things. Not with Sam sitting there, her husband, looking at her with such love and concern. He didn't deserve to be hurt like that, just because she and Lee had frakked up their lives.

So when Adama beckoned her to the podium, she kept it brief.

"Lee was the best pilot I have ever flown with. The best CAG I ever served under. The best – the best man I ever knew. We are the poorer without him."

Then she fled back to her place in the line, to Adama's stoic face. A few more prayers, and then the service was over.

And that was it. The official end of Lee Adama's life.

All over.

Kara wished she could stop time right there and then. So she didn't have to go on into the future without him.

----------------------------------------------

But although Lee might be dead, he wasn't gone.

Kara saw him everywhere. They'd made her CAG again, and when she went into her office, there he was, hunched over his paperwork, forehead screwed up in concentration. When she went into the mess, he was kicked back in a chair, drinking a cup of coffee and pulling a face at the sour taste, waving at her to join him. When she finished a briefing she could hear his voice, telling everyone to be careful out there. When she sat in the rec room playing cards, he was sitting opposite her, trying to bluff her with that too-innocent expression in his blue eyes that always gave him away.

When she flew she could see his viper next to hers, copying her every move flawlessly while he grinned at her through the canopy.

Sleep was no escape. He haunted her dreams, too. The places varied – it might be their favourite bar on Picon, his mother's garden in Caprica, running through the corridors of Galactica - but he was always there. And in every dream he ended up shot, bleeding from the chest, choking and drowning in his blood as he pleaded with her to help him, not to leave him. And every time she ignored his pleas and flew away.

After the fourth night of waking up screaming and fending off Sam's anxious questions, she asked Cottle for some sleeping pills. For once, he gave them to her with only a mild sarcastic comment.

That helped with the nights, but they didn't banish Lee during the day.

Not that she minded. She found it comforting, that he wasn't gone completely. She even talked to him sometimes, when they were alone in her office. Told him about problems with the nuggets, about Roslin being re-elected, about Tyrol and Cally's baby. He never replied, although she wished he would. She missed joking with him – even arguing with him.

She was vaguely aware that other people were looking at her with concern. Not just Sam, who was constantly watching her in a way that irritated the hell out of her. He tried to talk to her sometimes, ask her what was wrong, but she always walked away. How could she tell him, after all? How could she tell him she was falling apart because she had lost the man she loved?

She avoided the Old Man, whom she knew she couldn't brush off. She could tell from the way he looked at her though, the few times she came to CIC, that he would be ordering her in for a chat before long. She wished he wouldn't. She was doing her job, and doing it well – if she was functioning there, what else mattered?

Everyone seemed to be asking her if she was fine all of a sudden. Helo, Tyrol, Cally. Even Laura Roslin, on a brief visit to Galactica, looking at her with eyes that saw far too much.

Kara just wanted to scream at them all to stop asking her that. Of course she was fine.

_She_ was fine.

Lee was the one who wasn't.

------------------------------------------------------------

After six weeks Sam finally snapped.

Kara got back to their quarters after a night shift CAP to find him wide awake, fully dressed, and with a determined look in his eye.

"Kara, we need to talk."

Frak. "About what?" she said, pulling off her flight suit and wishing he could have waited until she'd had a shower.

"You know about what. We can't go on like this, Kara."

"Like what?"

His face hardened. "You want me to spell it out? Fine. Let's start with the fact that we hardly spend any time together any more. Gods, you've barely spoken to me in days."

"I've been busy," she said curtly.

"Right."

She embraced the anger with relief. "Things are different here than they were on New Caprica, Sam. I have an important job here. I'm the CAG. People rely on me. I can't just drop my responsibilities on a whim."

"I wouldn't call spending some time with your husband a whim."

"No, it's called shirking. Somehow I think defending the fleet is a little more important than frakking."

"Frakking?" Sam snorted. "Some chance. You don't even come to bed half the time, and when you do you're always drunk-"

True enough. It was the only way she could stem the nightmares, now Cottle had refused her any more sleeping pills. But she brushed it away.

"So I have a few drinks to take the edge off. Is that a crime?"

"It's more than a few drinks, Kara. And you're barely eating. It's not healthy."

"What, you're a doctor now as well? Gee Sam, you ought to set up an advice column."

"Stop it Kara!" He moved towards her, backing her up against the wall. "Will you just tell me what's wrong?" he bellowed.

She refused to flinch. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just tired, a little overworked, that's all."

"Bullshit." Sam stared at her for a moment, breathing heavily.

Kara took the opportunity to push his arm away and move out of the corner. She stalked across the room, looking for her towel.

"Is that all? Because I'd like to get a shower and some sleep if it's all right with you."

She could feel Sam's eyes boring into her back as she gathered her things. Just as she was ready to leave, he spoke quietly.

"This is about him, isn't it. You're grieving for him."

She made herself turn round and face him.

"And what if I am? He was my friend. It's only been six weeks." Her voice wavered despite herself. "Aren't I allowed to mourn?"

"Not like this!" burst out Sam. "Gods Kara, anyone would think I was the one who'd died."

For a long moment they stared at each other, frozen, his words echoing around the room. Sam looked slightly horrified, but defiant too. He wasn't taking it back.

Kara didn't know what to say. She couldn't deal with this right now. So she just turned and left without a word. He didn't stop her.

As she stumbled down the corridor, Lee's voice rang clear as a bell in her ears.

_You're fine with the dead guys, Kara. It's the living ones you can't deal with._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Three weeks later – weeks of avoidance and angry silence punctuated by bitter arguments – Sam cornered Kara in her office one evening.

"President Roslin's offered me a position on her security team." He stared at her bent head until she gave in and looked up at him. "I'm going to take it."

She swallowed hard. "But that means you'll be living on Colonial One."

"Yes," he clipped out, and then suddenly the anger drained out of him. He dropped into the chair opposite hers.

"Kara, I just can't do this any more. It's tearing me apart." He put his head in his hands. "You obviously don't want me here and I'm tired of banging my head against a brick wall."

Kara stared at his bent head, confused. She knew she should be upset, but all she felt was numb.

"I think we need some time apart."

He looked at her, waiting for her to say something.

"You're probably right." He was. It was better if he got away from her now. Before she wrecked his life too.

He seemed to slump in the chair. Then he took a deep breath and rose, slowly and carefully, as if it hurt him to move.

"Very well. You know where to find me if you change your mind."

Kara watched him go, staring at the closed hatch until the last echoes of his footsteps died away. Then she pulled a bottle of ambrosia out of her drawer and took a long swig.

Stared into Lee's blue eyes where he stood behind Sam's chair. Her lips curved in a bitter smile.

"See, Adama? I always told you I was a screw-up."

-----------------------------------------------------

Forty-eight hours later she found Helo sitting on her desk.

"What do you want Karl?"she asked sharply. Make it quick. I've got a pile of work to do."

Helo folded his arms. "I saw Sam before he left for Colonial One."

"Fascinating."

"He told me a few things." Helo paused, looking at her warily. "What the hell are you doing, Kara?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Sam loves you. Really loves you. You shouldn't push him away like this."

"It was his decision to leave."

"Because you left him no alternative."

She had no answer to that. "Frak off, Helo."

Helo sighed. "Kara, you can't keep pushing everyone away. And you can't keep on the way you have been. The Old Man's been turning a blind eye to your drinking so far, but he won't forever. You'll end up discharged from the fleet; drunk, friendless, alone - is that what you want?"

She glared at him. "Why don't you tell me? You seem to think you know it all anyway."

Helo stood up from his perch on the desk. He took a few steps towards her, eyes holding hers.

"I know this much," he said with quiet force. "It isn't what Apollo would have wanted-"

He was silenced by Kara's fist across his mouth. He stumbled back, blood trickling from his lip.

"Don't you dare say that!" Kara yelled. "You barely knew him. You don't have a frakking clue what he would have wanted!"

Helo ruefully rubbed a hand across his mouth. "Kara-"

She was so angry she could barely speak. "Get out. Just get out."

He went.

-------------------------------------------------

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir," said Helo, sitting awkwardly on the sofa in the Admiral's quarters. "I know you've had a lot on your mind since-" He broke off, looking down at the floor. "But I'm worried about her, and I don't know what else to do."

"Don't worry about it," said Adama gruffly. "I'd be more annoyed if you hadn't come to me." Something rippled across his face. "Kara's all the family I have left."

Helo didn't know what to say to that.

"I knew something was wrong," Adama went on after a moment, "from the way she's been avoiding me. But I thought Sam was looking after her."

"I think he tried," said Helo, responding to the accusation in the Admiral's tone. "But she wouldn't let him. You know Kara."

Adama's mouth twisted as he picked up his coffee mug. "I do."

"She won't let me either."

Adama looked at the lieutenant's bruised mouth with wry amusement. "I can see that. But you think I have a chance?"

Helo took a deep breath. "I think you're the only one who really understands how she feels."

Adama looked abruptly away. Helo could see the knuckles of his hand turn white where he clutched the glass.

After a pause that seemed to Helo to last forever, Adama looked back at him. He pretended not to notice the moisture in the Old Man's eyes. He couldn't imagine how it must feel, to lose both your sons. At least Adama had the President to help him through it. The whole ship knew that, though they would all have died before saying so.

"I'll do my best," said Adama roughly. He frowned. "The hard part will be getting her here. I don't want to have to order her – this is a family matter, not a military one."

Helo grimaced. "I hadn't thought-"

The Admiral interrupted him. "Don't worry, Lieutenant. Fortunately, I have a secret weapon."

-----------------------------------------------

"Good morning, Captain Thrace."

Kara recognised the voice and swore inwardly. Anyone else and she would have stayed hidden under her viper, but even she drew the line at ignoring the President of the Colonies.

She pushed herself forward and reluctantly got to her feet. Laura Roslin stood by the wing, watching her with some amusement, while her entourage hovered a few discreet steps away. A quick glance reassured Kara that Sam wasn't among them.

"Madam President," she said gruffly, making to offer a hand and then catching it back as she remembered it was covered in grease.

"Please, call me Laura," said Roslin. "After all we went through on New Caprica, I think we can dispense with the formalities in private, don't you?"

"We're not exactly private," replied Kara, glowering at the watching entourage.

Roslin's lips curved ruefully. "Now I'm back in office, I'm afraid this is often as private as it gets."

Kara thought it was time to cut to the chase. "So, what can I do for you, Laura?" She hoped it wasn't another crazy mission of prophecy. Then again, maybe she did. She might manage to get herself killed properly this time.

"I wanted to talk to you about Bill," said Roslin. She suddenly looked uncharacteristically hesitant.

_Bill?_ Kara couldn't think who she was talking about. It took her a good thirty seconds to process that Roslin was talking about Adama.

"The Admiral. Is something wrong?" Kara felt a sudden stab of guilt for the way she had been avoiding him. Had she missed something important?

Roslin sighed. "Nothing that hasn't been wrong for the past three months. He's carrying on as normal – you know him, he wouldn't allow himself to do anything less – but in private…" she trailed off. "He's taken it very hard. I'm worried about him."

Kara bit her lip. "What do you expect me to do about it?" she asked roughly. "I can't bring his sons back."

"No, but you can go and see him." Laura's voice was suddenly hard. "You haven't seen him in private since the memorial service, Kara. Not once. He misses you."

Kara found herself suddenly unable to look away from the President's gaze. "He hasn't asked me to visit," she mumbled, knowing it was a poor excuse.

"Of course not," said Roslin sharply. "You know him – he never likes to admit he needs anyone. But he does need you, Kara. You're all the family he has left."

Kara felt like a worm. "I know."

Roslin stared at her for a moment longer and then nodded as if satisfied. "I happen to know he's off duty this evening. You should drop by."

It wasn't a suggestion. "I will," said Kara, and she meant it. She felt so guilty. She couldn't believe how selfish she'd been, abandoning the Old Man when he needed her.

"Good," said Laura Roslin, and turned away, a small smile crossing her lips.

--------------------------------------------------

"Starbuck," was all Adama said when he opened the hatch to his quarters; but his whole face lit up, and Kara felt even more guilty than she had in the hangar bay.

"I'm about to have some noodles," he said. "Care to join me?"

Kara nodded.

They ate mostly in silence, apart from some idle chatter about the new nuggets, simply enjoying each other's company. It reminded Kara of the old days, before the attacks, when he had sometimes invited her to dinner in his quarters. He'd had more leisure time then.

Kara found herself relaxing, and was surprised to discover she had finished the whole bowl of noodles. It was the first proper meal she had eaten in days.

Adama made them both a cup of coffee, and then settled back on the sofa.

"So. Kara." She heard the change in his voice, and braced herself. "How are you doing?"

She sent him a quick smile, hoping it looked convincing. He didn't need to be burdened with her problems. "I'm fine."

He glanced at her consideringly. "I heard about Sam."

_Frak._ Kara picked up her coffee. "Yeah well – it's a good opportunity for him. He was bored to death here. And it's not as if he's at the other end of the universe."

She could feel him watching her. "So this isn't permanent?"

"We just needed a little time apart. Everything will be fine."

"I'm glad to hear it."

Kara tensed for further probing, but it didn't come.

"I'm glad you came tonight," Adama said in a lighter voice. "I've got something I wanted to give you." Another oblique glance. "You've been a hard woman to track down recently."

"I'm sorry," she said with genuine sincerity. He heard it and smiled at her.

"Don't worry. I know how much work being the CAG entails. I sometimes thought Lee was going to disappear beneath the sea of paperwork."

Kara stiffened at the name, but she could hardly walk away, or object. If anyone was entitled to talk about Lee, he was, and she couldn't ignore his grief.

"What did you want to give me?" she asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

He stood up and walked over to his desk. "A photograph. I found it when I was going through Lee's things." His voice caught on the name this time. "I thought you might like to have it."

Kara's throat constricted. She stared at him wordlessly as he walked back towards her and dropped the photograph in her lap.

"Aren't you going to look at it?"

Kara picked it up with trembling fingers. As she looked at it, all the blood drained from her face. She remembered this photo. She had given it to Lee herself.

Cally had taken it, in the hangar bay after the tylium mission. Lee was grinning triumphantly into the camera, still wearing his flight collar. One arm was hooked round her shoulders, and he was smoking her last Caprica Blend cigar. She was holding a bottle of ambrosia and laughing up into his face.

A terrible pressure rose in her chest. Numbly she turned the photo over, to read the words she had written on the back.

'_All right, you bastard. "I couldn't have done it better myself." Satisfied now?'_

She stared at her scribbled writing for several moments until Adama's voice roused her. "Kara?"

The pressure in her chest was building inexorably, pressing against her eyes.

"He – he nagged me into that," she said finally, stumbling over the words. "Wouldn't rest until he got it writing-"

"I was so proud of him that day," said Adama quietly. "After all his doubts the night before-" He broke off raggedly. "But that was Lee all over. He never quite believed in himself, but he always rose to the occasion. Like the day he took over Pegasus."

Kara remembered. She remembered hearing Lee's voice over her comms, saying "I have the con", slightly panic-stricken at first, then firming into confidence as he issued the orders to get them out of trouble.

She'd known they were safe from the first word he spoke.

Adama was still speaking. "And that time he faced down Zarek at the Astral Queen. Gods, I was so angry with him over that one-"

And suddenly the pressure in Kara's chest burst. She bent over, choking and gulping, as the tears burst out of her in an unstoppable flood.

"Kara!"

She felt Adama's arms come round her, and she tried to jerk away, embarrassed and ashamed, but he wouldn't let her.

"Let it all out, Kara. Just let it all come out." He pulled her head against his shoulder.

She gave in and clung to him.

"I want him back," she gasped out between sobs. "I just want him back!"

"So do I," said Adama roughly. "So do I."

A long time later, when her tears had finally subsided, he set her away slightly so he could look into her eyes.

"I want you to make me a promise, Kara."

She nodded silently.

"I want you to try to get through this." He paused, his eyes holding hers firmly. "I know it's hard. Believe me, I know." His mouth twisted. "There are days when I look in the mirror and wonder what point there is in going on. But I do, because the fleet needs me, and it needs you. Especially now it's lost him."

Kara didn't know what to say.

"And if that's not enough, _I_ need you. I need you to get through this, because you loved him as much as I did. Don't leave me."

Kara had thought she'd cried herself dry, but at that another tear trickled down her cheek. How could she deny him anything, after he'd said that? When the Old Man fought, he fought dirty.

"I promise," she said, and she meant it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

After that talk with Adama, things got better for Kara. Slowly but surely.

She told Adama about her nightmares, and he had a word with Cottle. The doc allowed her back on the sleeping pills, although she had to trail down to life station every night to take her solitary pill. It was humiliating, but it was worth it to sleep through the night without having to drink herself into insensibility.

Her appetite came back once she started sleeping properly, although Adama insisted she join him for dinner several times a week so he could keep an eye on her.

Helo bullied her into daily sessions in the gym and into regular triad games. The other pilots welcomed her back to the rec room with a warmth that touched her, even though she pretended to shrug it off.

What helped the most was the time she spent with Adama, talking about Lee, sharing the memories each of them had. It hurt at first, but he had told her it helped him too, and she couldn't let him down. Gradually it became easier, and then even comfortable. Strangely, talking about Lee seemed to exorcise him. She stopped seeing him around every corner, behind every hatch.

It was lonely at first. But every time the loneliness got too unbearable, she went to see Adama to talk about Lee, or nagged Helo into a triad game, or went out in her viper, and it helped.

Six months after Lee's death, she had her first unbroken night's sleep without the pills.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A week after that, she saw Sam. She'd come to Adama's quarters to drop off a report, and found that he was meeting with the President. Sam was standing guard outside the door.

He looked different to the last time she'd seen him. Thinner and – harder, somehow. There were lines on his face she didn't remember, and she wondered guiltily if she'd put them there.

Poor Sam. He hadn't deserved what she'd put him through. He'd been trying to help, but she'd been too lost in her own pain to heed him. Lee could have pulled her out of it, but Sam was nowhere near that stubborn.

He looked up as she approached, and his face froze.

"Kara." She couldn't tell if he was pleased or horrified to see her.

"Sam." She stood awkwardly in front of him. "How are you?"

He shrugged. "Well enough."

"How's the job working out?"

That raised a genuine smile, and her breath caught. She suddenly remembered how happy she'd been on their wedding day.

"It's great. Really great. I couldn't wish for a better boss – and you get to see some interesting things, working for the President."

Kara smiled hesitantly. "I bet."

He looked at her more kindly. "So, how are you?"

"Better," she said simply.

"So Helo said." He shrugged again at her surprised look. "I asked him to keep me posted."

Kara couldn't help warming at his concern. "That's very kind of you." She paused, feeling impelled to give him something back. "I'm so sorry, Sam, for what happened between us. I was – in a bad place."

He looked at her curiously. "But now you're somewhere better?"

She nodded.

He looked at her for a moment in silence. His face was blank, and she couldn't tell what he was thinking.

Finally he said, "Would you like to visit Colonial One sometime? I'll give you a tour."

That was all, but the look in his eyes said so much more. Kara fumbled with her emotions for a moment, and then smiled.

"Perhaps I will."

Perhaps. She'd need to think about it. She wasn't sure she was ready for that quite yet. In some weird way she felt like it would be betraying Lee.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fortunately Kara was too busy the next day to dwell on it. She'd barely finished her breakfast before the ship went to Condition One and she was hurtling out of the launch tubes in her viper.

They'd jumped almost on top of a Cylon ship. Not a basestar fortunately, but it was big enough. A fierce battle ensued before Galactica's guns managed to disable the Cylon ship's engines and FTL drive. A flurry of escape pods emerged from the damaged ship, but Kara and her pilots managed to put paid to their escape.

Landing back on Galactica, she discovered that a party of marines had left to board the Cylon ship.

"It's not often we catch one this large intact," said Adama. "It's a great opportunity to study their technology – their weapons-"

He was in the briefing room with her and Kelly, who was now the XO, when the report of the boarding party came in. Kara saw his face turn grim as he listened on the phone and knew it was bad.

"It's a prison ship," he said bluntly as he put down the receiver. "They found maybe twenty human prisoners, most of them in pretty bad shape. Physically and mentally." He leaned on the table, hands digging into the rim. "Sergeant Lennox said it looked as if the Cylons had been experimenting on them."

Kara swallowed hard. "You mean – like a farm?"

"No, not like that." Adama swiftly reassured her. "Lennox said they seemed to have been testing their pain barriers. Endurance levels. That kind of thing."

It was still bad enough. Kara steeled herself to ask the next question.

"The prisoners – were they from New Caprica?"

She had known what the answer would be, but the bottom still dropped out of her stomach when Adama nodded. "Lennox recognised several of them."

Kara closed her eyes. "We should have got them all away."

"Don't be foolish, Kara." Adama gripped her shoulder, made her look at him. "We did the best we could. We got as many people away as humanly possible. But you can't save everyone."

Kara knew he was right, but it didn't make it any easier.

Adama reached for the phone. "I'd better tell Cottle to get ready for a busy night."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kara went to get some much-needed dinner, but halfway through the meal a call came over the comms for her to report to life station.

Swearing under her breath and chewing the last bit of her ration bar, she headed through the corridors. She'd thought Cottle would be too busy with the casualties from the Cylon ship to hassle her tonight.

She turned the last corner to life station and nearly walked into the Admiral. They stared at each other in surprise.

"Kara? What are you doing here?" Adama looked suddenly anxious. "Were you hurt today?"

She shook her head. "I got a call to report to Cottle."

Adama frowned. "He called me as well. Insisted I come down here at once."

Kara was worried. Even Cottle wouldn't haul the Admiral down to life station over nothing. It must be serious. Her heart started thumping.

They headed into life station with sudden urgency. Cottle must have been watching for them because he was at their side immediately.

"Admiral. Captain."

_No sarcastic quip? _thought Kara. Something was _definitely_ wrong.

"Major," said Adama, sharp and clipped. "Perhaps you'd like to explain what's so important that you can't tell me over the comm. I've got a busy night ahead in CIC."

"Somehow I think they'll have to manage without you," said Cottle drily.

"Why?" Adama's temper was rising. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's_ wrong_, exactly." Cottle looked from Adama to Kara and back again, and for a moment Kara could have almost sworn he was smiling. "One of the prisoners from the Cylon ship. I recognised him. We all did."

The possibilities were whirling through Kara's head. Gaeta, perhaps? Or Hotdog?

"Who is it?" asked Adama.

Cottle was definitely smiling now. "It's your son. It's Lee. He's alive."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note: ** Judging from the reviews for this story, I have a feeling a lot of people are going to be rather pleased by this development :-)

Thanks for sticking with me through the unrelenting angst of the first few chapters! I promise it gets happier from now on...(looks at chapter 6)...well, a little bit happier...eventually. I mean, this _is _Kara and Lee and they don't like to make things easy for themselves! But now you all know there is light at the end of the tunnel :-)

Many thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, it's much appreciated!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

He opened his eyes to a white room, and wearily closed them again.

It looked like the hospital room, and he had learnt to fear the hospital room. That was where the false-people were, and they always hurt him.

But when he opened his eyes again, he realised it wasn't quite the same hospital room. The blanket and the curtains were grey, not blue. And his arms weren't strapped down like they usually were.

Not that it would do him any good. They had broken his leg not long ago, and it hurt too much to move. He wondered how much they would let it heal before they broke it again. Or maybe it would be his arm this time. It didn't hurt very much, so it must be a long time since they had last broken that…

A man's face suddenly appeared over him. He hadn't seen him approach, of course. He wondered if he was one of the dream-people or the false-people. Either way he wasn't real. The false-people weren't real, even though they pretended to be. They looked like people, but they weren't people, not really. He didn't know how he knew that, but he knew it was true.

This man had grey hair and a lined face, and was wearing a doctor's white coat. His expression was irritable but his eyes were kind. He hadn't seen him before. One of the dream-people, he thought. The false-people always looked the same, and they were…colder, somehow.

He felt better. The dream-people were often angry and they scared him, but they weren't as cruel as the false-people.

The man leaned closer. He must have seen that his eyes were open.

"Hello, Commander," he said. "Finally decided to wake up, have you?"

He didn't answer. He never answered any question anyone asked him, dream-people or false-people. He knew he mustn't do it, although he didn't know why. If he answered they would win, though he didn't know what they would win or who _they _were.

The man tried again. "Commander, can you hear me?"

He ignored him, stared straight through him. He wasn't real after all, however solid he might look.

"Commander?"

Definitely a dream-person. The false-people never called him anything but 'the subject' or 'the prisoner'. Why commander though? Surely it should be painfully obvious he wasn't commander of anything…

He dismissed it. This would all dissolve soon anyway. The dreams never lasted for long. Only the false-people could keep him trapped with them for as long as they wanted.

The man was looking worried now. He had never seen a dream-person look worried before. He said something else, but he couldn't hear him, everything was dissolving, just as he had known it would….

….and he was sitting in a wooden chair at a kitchen table, covered with a bright blue tablecloth. He recognised this dream. He had been here many times before. It was always summer here. The sun beat down through the window beside him, and he savoured the heat. He was so tired of feeling cold.

The smell of frying bacon curled through the kitchen and he turned to see where it was coming from. A woman was taking a frying pan off the hob and sliding the bacon onto a plate. As she turned to face him he recognised her too – the slightly greying dark hair swinging above her shoulders, the vivid blue eyes, the warm smile. She always comforted him, somehow, but she also made him feel sad.

"Breakfast's ready," she said, and walked towards him. He smiled in anticipation. Bacon would be nice, even if it wasn't real...but as she put the plate down in front of him he saw her other hand.

Shiny and metal with six-inch spikes for fingers.

He pushed back the chair but it was too late, she jerked her hand up viciously into his belly. Agony ripped through him and he couldn't stop himself screaming. He looked dazedly at the blood spilling over his shirt, staining the pretty tablecloth. Then she ripped her hand out of him and he screamed again.

She raised her hand to strike again, still smiling that warm loving smile, and then everything dissolved…

…and he was back in the hospital bed with the grey blanket, shaking all over. He blinked, surprised, but when he opened his eyes again it was still there. He had never come back to the same dream so quickly.

He took a deep breath, trying to control the shivers that racked his body. He glanced involuntarily down at his stomach, but there was no blood, no wound.

Of course not. It wasn't real.

Someone touched his hand, and he stiffened.

A hand closed firmly about his left one, the one that wasn't broken. "It's all right," a woman's voice said shakily. "Lee, it's all right. You're safe now."

He looked up. A young blonde woman was sitting by his bed. For a moment his whole body tensed. One of the false-people was a blonde woman. But this woman wasn't her. She looked tired and scruffy, and she was wearing a worn grey tracksuit. She also looked vaguely familiar. Like one of the dream-people, but not, because that dream-woman was always shouting at him and glaring with hatred, and this one was looking at him as if she was about to cry.

"Lee? Can you hear me?"

Of course he didn't reply. He stared through her, but he still saw a tear trickle down her cheek. She dashed it away impatiently.

"Gods, what have they done to you? Lee, it's me. Talk to me! Lee!"

He tried to ignore her, but she kept on at him. Telling him to look at her, talk to her, speak to her, even swearing at him; and all the while she said that name. Lee, Lee, Lee.

It was harder to stay silent than it had ever been before. Something about her pulled at him. Drew him to her. He wanted to look at her closer, wanted to answer her, wanted to stay-

He could already feel everything starting to dissolve, and for the first time ever he fought it. He didn't want to go; he wanted to stay here with her.

But he couldn't. Something broke within him at the thought, and before he knew it he was speaking. He couldn't answer a question, but he could ask one.

He could barely get his mouth to work after so long, and his voice was no more than a whisper.

"Who's Lee?"

Another tear trickled down her face. "_You _are," she choked out. "_You're_ Lee. That's your name."

Then he lost the struggle and everything dissolved again, but he held it to him, clutched it tight, willed himself to remember.

_My name is Lee..._


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"What the hell did they do to him?" Kara said fiercely, eyes burning. "He didn't even recognise me!"

"At least you got him to speak," said Cottle, glancing through his papers. "That's more than I've been able to manage."

"Yes, to ask his own name!" Kara shot back. "That's very encouraging." She folded her arms across her chest to stop them shaking. The memory of that moment cut into her sharply; Lee's dazed and bewildered face as he struggled to speak, asking who he was…

She had thought seeing the physical damage had been bad enough. She had barely recognised Lee when Cottle first let her and Adama in to see him. He was painfully thin, bones sticking visibly through his skin, eyes sunken into their sockets. Cottle said the Cylons hadn't been feeding him; just giving him enough nutrients through an IV to keep him alive.

Then there were the other injuries. The broken leg, the smashed fingers. She'd watched Adama's grim face as Cottle leafed through the X-rays, showing them how many times the Cylons had broken Lee's bones, only to let them heal and then break them again. There were burn marks, too, that were too regular to have been anything but deliberate.

But at least the physical damage was visible, understandable, could be healed. Whatever they had done to Lee's mind was another thing entirely. After twenty-four hours of unconsciousness, she'd been so relieved when Cottle said he'd finally stirred. Now she was terrified all over again.

"They've given him some kind of drugs, haven't they."

Kara jumped at the sound of Adama's voice. He'd been silent for the last few minutes while she yelled at Cottle. He'd just sat holding his son's hand, staring intently at his face.

"Yes." Cottle looked down at his papers again. "These are his blood test results." He frowned. "They've been pumping a fine mixture of things into him. Sedatives, hallucinogens – I'm surprised he even knows which way is up, never mind his own name."

"Hallucinogens?" Adama's voice was harsh.

Cottle nodded. "Nasty ones. No wonder he's been screaming – the lords know what he's seeing in that head of his."

Adama's face was rigid. "Is his mind going to be permanently damaged?"

"I can't say." Cottle shot a sharp look at Kara. "Before you jump down my throat, I'm not trying to be vague. I really can't say. It's going to take a few days for the drugs to get fully out of his system. That should stop the hallucinations and the disorientation, make him aware of his surroundings. We'll have to see how he responds then."

"So we shouldn't get our hopes up," said Adama flatly. He was still staring at Lee's closed eyes.

"No," said Cottle honestly. "The Cylons have been dosing him with this crap for months by the look of it, and I don't have any previous experience to guide me as to the likely effects. We'll have to see." He paused. "But your son is one of the most pig-headed young men I've ever met. If there's anyone strong enough to beat this, it's him."

Adama half smiled at that. Kara felt tears threatening and bit her lip to stop them.

"How are your other patients, doctor?" Adama asked.

Cottle grimaced. "Pretty much the same shape as Commander Adama – bad. They're all going to need intensive care and long recovery periods. I simply don't have the resources for that here, so I'm making arrangements to have the civilian patients transferred to other medical facilities around the fleet. There was one other military prisoner – Sergeant Harrison – he's the only one I'll be keeping here."

"Fine," said Adama. "I'll look in on Harrison later."

Cottle nodded and left the cubicle, drawing the curtain back behind him to give them some privacy. Kara sank down in the chair opposite Adama's. She found herself reaching out her hand, tracing gently over Lee's splinted fingers.

"How could they do this to him?" she said roughly.

"They wanted information," said Adama, his eyes hard. "We've found records they kept on each prisoner; Cottle's staff have been looking through them. Some of the prisoners they were experimenting with, but Lee – they were torturing Lee for information." He turned his eyes from Lee for a moment to look at Kara. "They knew who he was."

"Of course they did," said Kara sourly. "Why else go to the trouble of saving his life and fixing those bullet wounds?"

"They probably couldn't believe their luck. A prisoner who knows Galactica inside out, knows the exact details of our resources, knows all the security codes, was fully briefed on our escape plans-"

Kara looked at Lee with fierce pride. "But I bet he didn't tell them anything."

"From the records, it certainly looks like it." There was an answering pride in Adama's voice. "But they did everything they could think of to break him."

Kara could hear the anxiety in his voice.

"Lee's stubborn," she said, trying to comfort him. "We both know that." Her mouth curved wryly.

Adama's mouth twisted in return. "Don't we just." He stroked a hand over his son's forehead.

"He'll put himself back together again. And he's got us to help him."

Adama turned his head to look at her and smiled. "So he does." He continued to study her and his face darkened with concern. "Kara, you look terrible. When did you last sleep?"

She couldn't remember. She hadn't left life station since Cottle had summoned them there, which seemed like a lifetime ago.

"I caught a quick nap here and there."

"Well, it's obviously not enough. Go get some sleep, Kara. You look like you're about to fall over."

She tensed instinctively. "I don't want to leave him." She could still hardly believe that Lee was really here; alive even if just barely so. She was half afraid that if she left he would just disappear again.

"I'll be with him," said Adama gently. "And you'll be no good to him if you collapse. Go. Have some food, get some sleep. I don't want to see you back here for at least six hours. And that's an order, Captain."

Kara reluctantly stood up. She knew when she was beaten. "Very well, sir. But I've got one request."

"Yes?"

"When I get back, I want you to promise me that _you'll_ get some sleep. You look like hell. Sir."

Adama's lips twitched. "Very well, Captain. I'll see you later."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Kara was back in precisely six hours.

She had to admit she felt better for a decent meal and a few hours of proper rack time. It made her doubly determined to see that the Old Man took his own rest break.

When she slipped into the cubicle Adama was sitting exactly where she had left him, still holding Lee's hand. He looked exhausted, huge dark circles under his eyes.

Lee was still unconscious, though he was twisting and turning slightly in the bed, murmuring incoherently.

"How is he?" whispered Kara, coming to stand next to Adama.

He glanced up at her. "He woke up again, briefly."

"He did?" Kara tried not to be too hopeful. "Did he recognise you?"

Adama shook his head heavily. "No. No idea at all. I told him who I was."

"Did he say anything?"

Adama's face contorted, as if he was trying to hold in some deep emotion. "Not at first. He stared at me for a long time, in this blank way, almost as if he was looking right through me-"

"I know," murmured Kara. "He did the same thing to me."

"And then – and then he bit his lip," said Adama, his voice unnaturally calm. "Until it bled."

Kara looked involuntarily at Lee's mouth. Sure enough, she could see a trace of dried blood around his lips.

"And then he spoke," Adama went on. "He looked straight at me and said 'You're not a dream. I can taste the blood.' And then – then he passed out again."

They were both silent for a moment. Kara put her hand on Adama's shoulder and he put his own hand up to clasp it. Hard. It hurt, but Kara didn't care.

"At least we shot down the bastards who did this to him," she said finally.

Adama's hand clenched harder. "They got off too easy."

Kara agreed. She stood silent for a moment, and then said quietly, "Sir? You promised me you would go and get some sleep. I'll stay with him."

Adama tensed for a moment, and then nodded. "I will. Thank you, Kara."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kara sat there for hours, watching Lee sleep. Thank the lords for Helo. He'd taken over the CAG duties without her even having to ask, practically ordering her to stay with Lee for as long as she needed to.

Just looking at Lee brought a turbulent mix of emotions. Joy, disbelief, worry, fear – and guilt.

Guilt because she had failed him.

She should have gone back for him. She had survived all her life by listening to her instincts, and they had told her Lee was still alive. But for once she hadn't followed them. She had let others reason with her, talk her out of it, and she'd abandoned him.

Abandoned him to months of torture and interrogation. She wondered if he'd been hoping she would rescue him. If he'd been waiting for her to find him, because he believed she would never give up on him, as he would never give up on her.

But she had given up. She'd let them convince her he was dead, and she couldn't forgive herself for it.

_I'm sorry, Lee. I let you down – just as I always do. But I won't do it again. I swear it. I'll get you through this._ She squeezed his hand.

He squeezed back.

Her head jerked up in surprise. His eyes were open again, and he was watching her.

Her breath caught in her throat. Those damned blue eyes of his, that had haunted her for months – she had never thought they would truly look at her again.

At least he was here. However they had hurt him, at least he was here, and alive. For the moment, nothing else mattered.

He still looked dazed, but the terrifying blankness that Adama had described was gone. He watched her intently for a moment. Kara hesitated, wondering if she should speak to him. Would it do harm or good?

Then she saw his throat muscles working and realised that he was trying to speak himself.

As before, his voice was only a rough whisper. She had to lean forward to catch the words.

"I'm Lee."

Kara swallowed hard. "Yes, you're Lee." She could feel tears pressing at her eyes again and fiercely pushed them back. She was so frakking tired of crying.

He smiled faintly. "I'm Lee. I remembered."

"Yes, you did," said Kara, but it was too late; his eyes were closing and he was drifting off again, back to his dreamworld.

But he'd remembered his name. Surely that was a good sign.

She had to believe that.

Driven by a sudden impulse, she leaned a little further forward and kissed his forehead. He stirred a little, mumbling something she couldn't make out.

"You've got to fight this, Lee," she whispered into his ear. "Do you hear me? You've got to fight this and come back to me. Because I need you."

She paused for a moment, suddenly remembering that awful day Helo told her Lee was dead. Remembered sitting in the briefing room, declaring her love to the empty air, wishing she hadn't lost her chance to tell him that.

Well, the gods had granted her a second chance. And she wouldn't let herself spurn that gift because of her own cowardice.

She took a deep breath. "It's more than that, Lee. I love you. I love you, and I'm not going to lose you again."

She wasn't. She was going to get him through this. Whatever it took.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note: **Please excuse any medical inaccuracies in this and the following chapters. I freely admit I've put the demands of the plot first!


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

For the first time he could remember, he slept without dreams, blessedly dark and peaceful.

When he woke, everything was different. The world had gained its sharp edges again. Sounds were clear and defined. Both the sickening, giddy sensation that had plagued him for so long, and the smothering blanket of inertia weighing him down had gone.

His relief was shot through with apprehension. He couldn't help wondering what it meant. What new torment the false-people had in store for him.

No, they weren't false-people. They were _Cylons_. Robots in human form. The ones who'd destroyed the Colonies. He remembered that now.

But as he took stock of his surroundings, he realised he was in the other hospital. The one with the grey blankets. The one with the woman who had told him his name.

_Lee._ He didn't know why he was so sure that hadn't been a dream, but he was.

_My name is Lee._ The name didn't ring any bells in his memory, even now, but he still believed it was true. For some reason he trusted that woman. He didn't think she would lie to him.

Which was ridiculous, because he didn't even know her.

The cubicle curtains parted, and a man entered, reading a clipboard.

Lee recognised him. It was the doctor he had seen the first time he'd awakened in this place, however long ago that was.

Obviously this place was his reality now, not the Cylons' hospital. Something had happened.

He cleared his throat, preparing for speech.

"Where am I?"

The doctor's head shot up from his clipboard. He looked surprised for a moment, and then smiled.

"So you're back with us, are you?" He moved over to the monitors. "The drugs must finally be out of your system."

"Where am I?" Lee said again, in a stronger voice. "And who are you?"

The doctor looked at him wryly. "Stubborn as ever, I see. You really are your father's son." Lee glared at him and he shrugged. "I'm Major Cottle, and all you need to know about me is that my word around here is law." He scowled at Lee. "Not that you've ever bothered to respect that when you've ended up in here before."

Lee frowned. "I've been here before?"

Cottle sat down on one of the chairs beside the bed, looking narrowly at him. "You don't remember?"

Lee shook his head.

"What _do_ you remember?"

Lee stiffened. Something was telling him he should be wary of questions; he wasn't supposed to answer them.

"I'm not sure. It's all very blurred."

Cottle looked at him in a way that told Lee that he knew he was lying, but he didn't press it. "You're on the _Galactica_."

"_Galactica_? What's that?"

Cottle frowned. "You really don't remember much, do you? It's a battlestar."

"A military ship." Lee knew that much. "How did I get here?"

"We captured a Cylon vessel several days ago. A prison ship. You were one of the prisoners. And let's just say that they hadn't exactly treated you according to the articles of war."

Lee shuddered despite himself. "I remember that. They - hurt me."

"No kidding. Messed with your head too, by the look of things."

Lee suddenly remembered something else Cottle had said. "But – you said I'd been here before? How?"

Cottle pulled a packet of cigarettes out of his coat pocket. "I think I'm going to have to light up for this one."

Lee waited impatiently as the doctor lit his cigarette.

Finally Cottle settled back in the chair and began. "Before you were captured, you were an officer on this battlestar. Six months ago, you went missing in a planetside battle with the Cylons. When last seen, you were badly wounded, and you had basically told the pilot with you that you were done for and that he should leave you behind."

He paused to take a drag on his cigarette.

Lee said slowly, "So everyone thought I was dead."

Cottle nodded. "Well, you were, one way or another. We barely got out of there with our asses intact; we couldn't afford to go back for survivors. So we left you behind; a casualty of war."

Lee nodded. Surprisingly, he didn't feel any resentment. Somehow he understood that in wartime that was the way things were. He supposed it bolstered Cottle's claim that he was a soldier. He seemed to be thinking like one.

"But I didn't die of my wounds."

"No," agreed Cottle. "The Cylons got there first. They patched you up, saved your life – and then started torturing you for information."

Lee remembered _that_. "They broke my leg. Several times."

"Not just your leg." Cottle's eyes were suddenly kind. "I've seen your X-rays, lad. And they didn't stop there. They fed you a whole cocktail of drugs, keeping you groggy, making you hallucinate until you didn't know what was real."

Lee processed this for a moment. "That's why I'm feeling better now? The drugs have worn off?"

Cottle nodded. "It took a while to clear. They must have been dosing you for months. You'll be suffering withdrawal symptoms for a while, and they won't be pleasant. As for your memory – well, we'll have to wait and see."

"Why did they go to so much trouble?" Lee was trying to get the story clear in his head to see if it made sense. "The Cylons, I mean. Why didn't they just let me die on the planet?"

Cottle puffed on his cigarette. "Well, I said you were an officer in the fleet. What I didn't mention was that you were the second highest ranking officer in the fleet."

Lee stared at him. "What?"

"You're a commander. You were in charge of your own battlestar until it was lost in the escape from the planet. If there are any military secrets that the Cylons would find it useful to know, you know them."

Lee swallowed hard. He understood now why one of the few thoughts that had stuck in his head had been that he mustn't answer any questions. It had been more important than he realised.

He thought for a few moments, and decided that he believed Cottle's story. It made sense. It fitted with the few things he remembered. And although he didn't recognise the man, or this ship, there was a vague feeling of familiarity about them.

He looked up to find Cottle watching him with some amusement.

"So have you decided whether or not I'm a Cylon trick yet?"

Lee couldn't help smiling. "Yes."

"And the verdict?"

"I don't think you're a Cylon. For one thing, I've never seen a Cylon smoke."

Cottle chuckled. "Smart lad." He pushed back his chair. "Unless you've got any more urgent questions, there are things I have to do. I need to run a few tests, see how you're holding up." He grimaced. "And I'd better let certain people know you're awake and coherent. There will be hell to pay if I don't."

"Certain people?"

"Friends and family."

Family. Lee stiffened. "There was a man before – he said he was my father…I thought that was just a dream."

"That wasn't a dream," said Cottle ruefully. "You certainly do have a father. Did I mention that's he's the _highest_-ranking officer in the fleet?"

A father. Lee wished he could remember him. He couldn't help feeling a bit apprehensive about meeting him.

Another thought occurred to him. "You didn't tell me my name."

"No, I didn't." Cottle seemed surprised. "It's Lee Adama. Hope you like it."

_Lee._ His name _was_ Lee.

Warmth suddenly filled him. "I knew she wasn't a dream!"

"Who wasn't a dream?"

"There was a woman here. A blonde woman. She told me my name was Lee."

"Oh, you mean Starbuck." Cottle chuckled. "No, she's definitely not a dream. More's the pity."

---------------------------------------------------------------

After Cottle left Lee felt suddenly weak and shaky. His need to find out what had happened to him had bolstered him to keep going through the conversation with Cottle, but once alone he realised fully how exhausted he was.

He drifted off to sleep, and when he awoke there was a different man sitting by his bedside, a man with a shadowed face and tired eyes.

He'd seen this man before.

The man must have been watching Lee closely, because he saw his eyes open and smiled.

"Hello, Lee."

Lee smiled back warily. "Hello. So, you're my father?"

The man's mouth twisted slightly. "Yes I am. I was hoping the sight of me might bring your memory back, but obviously not."

"I'm sorry," said Lee, feeling obscurely guilty.

"Don't be sorry!" The man's voice broke. Lee saw the look in his eyes and suddenly he didn't doubt that this man was his father. No-one could have faked that look.

"Lee," said his father, "just the fact that you're here – for six months, I thought you were dead. Just seeing you again – it's enough. I don't care if you can't remember me."

Lee tried to say something, but his throat was too tight. Instead he put his sound hand over his father's and squeezed it hard. It seemed to be enough; his father smiled shakily and squeezed back. And as he did so Lee felt an unaccountable sense of comfort and security. Of safety.

They stayed like that for a long time, not saying anything, just looking at each other, until they were interrupted by a soft voice at the curtain. His father disappeared for a moment and then came back frowning.

"I'm needed urgently in CIC, I'll have to go. Will you be ok?"

Lee nodded. "I'll probably fall asleep again in a minute anyway."

"Good. Cottle said you needed to rest. I'll come back as soon as I can."

"All right," said Lee, but his father didn't look reassured.

"Kara will drop by as well – she'd be here already if she wasn't out on CAP. I'm sure she'll be here the second she hears you're awake."

"Who's Kara?" asked Lee. He wondered idly what CAP was.

His father looked completely taken aback for a moment. "Sorry, I forgot you wouldn't know. Kara – she's-" he broke off awkwardly.

Lee waited, curious.

Finally his father smiled ruefully and said, "Kara's – hard to explain. I think I'll let her do it herself."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lee did fall asleep again, and again when he awoke there was someone sitting by his bed. Again they were watching him so closely that they knew the second he opened his eyes.

"Hey, Lee," a woman said, and his eyes flew open all the way, because this time it was _her_. The person he had been waiting to see.

"Hey," he said, and couldn't help smiling. "It's you."

Her eyes widened hopefully. "You remember me?"

"No," he said reluctantly. He hated to disappoint her. "I'm sorry." He had a feeling he was going to be apologising for his lack of memory a lot. "At least – only from when you told me my name."

"Oh," she said, her face dimming slightly. "Don't worry about it. It's okay."

Lee could see it wasn't, but he didn't say so.

"So, you told me my name," he said lightly, "but you never told me yours. What is it?"

"Frak, this is weird." She pulled a face at him. "I'm Kara Thrace."

Kara. He thought privately that her name was just as beautiful as she was. But something puzzled him.

"I thought the doc said your name was Starbuck."

"It is." She grinned. "Starbuck's my call-sign."

"Call-sign?" he said. "You're a pilot?"

"Hey, I'm not just _a_ pilot," she said with mock offence. "I'll have you know I'm the best pilot in the fleet."

"Really?" he said. His mouth was curving despite his best efforts to control it.

Her eyes narrowed. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"You're laughing at me."

"I'm not," he said, forcing back a chuckle.

"You are," she said, and something about the scowl on her face broke the last threads of his self-control and he couldn't hold the laughter back any longer. It felt so good to laugh again, even if there was a slightly hysterical edge to it. He buried his face in his pillow, almost choking with it.

A nurse put her head round the curtain. "Captain Thrace? Is something wrong?"

"Nothing a good kick up the backside wouldn't fix," Kara muttered.

The nurse looked at Lee, gasping to control his mirth, and her face softened into a smile. "Obviously not. I'll leave you to it then." She retreated.

"Lee," said Kara with quiet menace, "you have two minutes to shut the hell up and tell me why you're laughing."

Lee finally managed to control himself. He thought ruefully that she must think the Cylons had sent him completely mad.

"I'm sorry," he managed, gasping out the words, "but it's just – _Starbuck?_" The word nearly set him off again. "What the hell kind of a name is that? What does it even mean?"

She was scowling at him again. "Lee-"

"And shouldn't it be Star_doe_? Unless you've had a very convincing operation-"

"Lee!" The scowl had darkened to thunderous. "I can't believe you're making the same lame jokes all over again! Am I going to have to black your eye again to get you to shut up?"

Lee just grinned at her. For the first time since he spoke to Cottle, all his worries had faded away. Suddenly it didn't matter that the Cylons had damaged his body and messed up his head. That he couldn't even remember his own name. Nothing mattered but enjoying this moment, but being here with her.

"You're very violent, aren't you?" he teased. "Here am I, helpless in bed and you've threatened me with bodily harm twice in the last three minutes-"

Kara's eyes were blazing now, and Lee found he was enjoying her glare. That seemed wrong. He should be trying to make her like him, not goading her for the fun of it. He wondered briefly if he was maybe not quite normal, and then forgot about it because Kara's expression suddenly changed. The glare dropped away; her mouth trembled, and she turned away abruptly.

"Kara!" Lee's smile disappeared immediately. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

She waved at him dismissively, still keeping her face resolutely turned away. "It's not that. It's just that I thought-" Her voice trembled and Lee reached instinctively to comfort her, putting his hand on hers. As she felt his touch she turned to look at him, and he saw with a shock that her eyes were bright with tears.

"I thought you'd never tease me like this again," she said finally, hazel eyes locked on his. "I thought I'd lost you."

Lee's heart ached for her. "Well," he said, trying for lightness again, "It looks like I'm not that easy to lose."

It worked; some of the tension faded from her face. "Looks like."

They sat there for a moment in silence. Lee wished fervently once more that he remembered these people. It was so hard, dealing with their emotions when he didn't even know why they felt them, or how _he_ was supposed to feel towards them.

"So," he said finally, "we've known each other for a long time, then?" It seemed a safe bet from the way she'd been talking to him.

She nodded. "More years than I want to remember."

He was relieved to hear some of her earlier sarcasm back. "So we're friends?"

"Yes," she said, "we're friends."

He thought she was going to say more, but she stopped. For a moment she stared down at his hand, which was still on top of hers, frowning as if she was thinking about something difficult. Then she took a deep breath and looked up at him, chin set in determination.

"Actually, we're more than that," she said, forming each word carefully. "We're not just friends. We're in love."

Oh. Lee stared at her for a moment, with absolutely no idea what to say. Part of him was thinking that he had obviously been very lucky in love. Part of him was wondering how the hell he had got this brilliant woman to fall in love with him back.

Underneath all that, somehow he wasn't surprised. He didn't remember her, but he'd known that there was something special about her from the first time he saw her, even when he'd thought she was a dream. Something that drew him towards her with a magnetic pull.

Kara stared at him for a moment and then turned away flushing. "I shouldn't have said anything. You must be thinking I'm-"

Lee cut her off. "I'm thinking that I'm obviously a very lucky man." Her mouth dropped open in surprise. "And that I'm doubly sorry now that I don't remember you."

Kara flushed even more and looked down at their hands again. Lee felt acutely sorry for her. How awful it must be, to have the man you loved not even remember you. He closed his hand on hers even tighter.

"I'm surprised my father didn't say anything to warn me though," he said, suddenly annoyed. "I might have really hurt you by saying the wrong thing."

"You mustn't blame him," said Kara hurriedly. "He doesn't know."

Lee raised his eyebrows. "He doesn't know?"

"We're in the military, aren't we?" she said impatiently. "You're my superior officer, and there are little things called fraternization regulations. We had to keep it a secret. No-one knows."

"No-one?"

"No-one. So you mustn't mention it to anyone," she said forcefully. "Promise me."

"I promise," said Lee easily. She seemed rather worked up about it, but he supposed that was fair enough if her career would be on the line if anyone found out. "I won't mention it."

"Good." Kara seemed to relax slightly.

Lee decided to try to ease the tension again. "So," he said musingly, "I'm in love with a woman called Starbuck." He couldn't help grinning as he said the name.

He was pleased to see her eyes spark immediately. "At least I'm not so arrogant that I was named after a god." Lee looked at her questioningly and she smirked. "_Your _call-sign is Apollo."

"Apollo?" he said, privately thinking that if it seemed a bit pompous, at least it wasn't as ridiculous as Starbuck. "How did I end up with that?"

Kara smiled sweetly at him. "By being an over-achieving bastard."

He smiled back. "Now I can tell you love me." She pulled a face at him, and he couldn't help grinning. Somehow this felt strangely familiar. "Then I'm a pilot too, huh?"

She nodded.

"So when you said you were the best pilot in the fleet, that's just because I haven't been around, right?"

He was delighted when she laughed in his face. "In your dreams, Apollo. I can outfly you with one hand tied behind my back."

Lee smirked at her. "When I get out of here, we'll have to test that theory."

"We will," said Kara. Something in her voice made him look at her sharply. Her eyes were suspiciously bright again. "I really missed you, Lee."

He smiled at her. "Somehow I'm sure I missed you too."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

That was the last time for a while that Lee felt like laughing. The next day the withdrawal symptoms Cottle had warned him about kicked in with a vengeance.

It seemed to Lee that he spent the next few days continuously vomiting, so violently that he was surprised he had any stomach lining left. He developed a fever, and when he wasn't vomiting he was shivering, so violently that he could almost hear his bones grinding together.

Worst of all, the dreams came back. Not with quite the same frequency or intensity as before, but bad enough. No matter how they began, they always ended with violence and horror. He lost count of the number of times he must have woken everyone in life station with his screams.

Through all this pain and indignity, three things kept him going.

The first was his own stubbornness. He wasn't going to let the Cylons win now.

The other two were Kara and his father. Lee wasn't aware of much a lot of the time, but he knew that one of them was always there by his bedside. They took shifts, making sure that he was never left alone. That someone was always there to give him a glass of water to clear his mouth of the vomit, to cover him with a blanket when he was shivering, to hold his hand and calm him when he woke screaming.

Lee couldn't have managed without them. He thought how lucky he was to have two people who cared for him so much, even if he couldn't remember why.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

After three weeks of unremitting hell, the worst of the withdrawal symptoms eased. Lee actually managed to eat some solid food and keep it down. His temperature dropped to normal levels. Best of all, the dreams finally disappeared. For the first time, he slept undisturbed through a whole night, and actually awoke feeling rested.

His memory hadn't come back, though. He'd asked Cottle about it and the doctor had honestly admitted that he didn't know when, or even if, it would. It was hard to hear, but Lee was just so relieved to be free of the drugs that he didn't care about much else.

The worst was over, but there was still a long way to go. His leg and his fingers were healing nicely, but it would be a long while before he was able to walk again, or even stand. After months imprisoned in a bed, his muscles were too weak and wasted to support him.

Cottle came up with a programme of exercises to strengthen his muscles, and Lee followed it doggedly. It helped to take his mind off how incredibly bored he was.

At first he'd had visitors to distract him. Once he was on the mend, Cottle had lifted his ban on visitors and a whole procession of people had trooped in to see him. So many that Lee couldn't help wondering if his father had ordered the whole ship to visit him. Perhaps he was hoping that the sight of one of them would jog Lee's memory.

If so, he was disappointed. The visitors confused Lee more than anything. It was simply too many people, one after the other, a mass of names he immediately forgot. Any familiarity in their faces was lost in the crowd.

Two visitors, however, stood out from the others.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first was a tall pilot with a good-natured face. When he first saw Lee he stood absolutely still for a moment, blinking, as if he couldn't believe Lee was really there.

"Hello," said Lee, and the man blinked again, recollecting himself.

"Sorry, Apollo," he said, folding himself into the chair by the bed. "I didn't mean to stare. It's just-"

"It's all right," said Lee wryly. "You're not the first one by a long shot. Coming back from the dead really seems to freak people out."

The pilot tried to smile, but didn't quite manage it. "It's just – the last time I saw you, you were barely breathing."

Lee stared at him for a moment, light dawning as he remembered something Cottle had said. "You're the pilot who was with me on the planet. The one I ordered to leave me behind."

The pilot nodded, looking surprised. "That's me. Do you remember?"

"No, Cottle told me."

"Oh." The pilot looked down at the floor. He was silent for a moment, and then he spoke, the words almost bursting out of him. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" asked Lee, puzzled.

"For leaving you there," the pilot said jerkily. "For leaving you to the Cylons. Kara told me what they did."

"Oh." Lee felt abruptly embarrassed. He knew that realistically everyone did know what the Cylons had done to him and the other prisoners. Of course they did. But he preferred not to think about it. He certainly didn't want to talk about it.

"Don't worry about it," he said stiffly, suddenly wishing the other man would leave.

"But it's my fault," the pilot persisted. "I shouldn't have left you there. I should have carried you, dragged you – done something. I might have got you to the raptor in time."

Lee felt abruptly sorry for him.

"Stop right there," he said impulsively, reaching out to touch the other man's arm. "Just answer a few questions for me."

"Of course," the pilot said, looking taken aback.

"First, what's your name?" Lee smiled, trying to set him at ease. "Everyone keeps forgetting they need to introduce themselves to me all over again."

That raised a small grin. "It is odd. I'm Lieutenant Karl Agathon, but everyone just calls me Helo."

Another bizarre call sign. Whoever assigned them must have had a strange sense of humour.

"Helo." Lee smiled again. "Next question. How far were we from the raptor when you left me behind?"

"Two miles."

"And the Cylons were right behind us?"

"Yes." Helo straightened in his chair, suddenly seeming to realise what Lee was trying to say.

"We wouldn't have made it to the raptor if you'd carried me," said Lee quietly. "And in any case, I'm your superior officer, aren't I?"

"Yes."

"It wasn't your fault, Helo," said Lee firmly. "If you hadn't left me, you wouldn't have been there to pilot the raptor, and everyone would have died. I ordered you to leave me, and now I'm ordering you to stop feeling guilty about it. Understand?"

"Yes sir," said Helo, giving him a mock salute, his face suddenly clear. "I understand."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The second visitor who stood out was a woman. She slipped in so quietly that Lee didn't notice her for a few seconds.

"Hello," he said, smiling at her. She was very pretty, even in uniform.

"Hello Lee," she said, dark eyes watching him shrewdly. He couldn't tell what she was thinking. "I'm Anastasia Dualla, but everyone calls me Dee. I work in CIC."

Lee was grateful to finally meet someone who introduced themselves without having to be asked, and he smiled at her even more warmly. "Pleased to meet you, Dee."

She smiled back, but it didn't reach her eyes. "You don't remember me?" She sounded disappointed.

"No." Lee was so tired of apologising for this. "But don't take it personally. I didn't even recognise my father."

"Yes, but-" she smiled ruefully. "I suppose I just thought it might be different for me, considering our relationship-"

Lee stared at her. "Relationship?"

She nodded. "We were dating for nearly a year before you went missing."

"Dating?" Lee's head was whirling. "But what about-?" He broke off before he said Kara's name, remembering suddenly that she had told him their relationship was a secret.

But even if it was a secret, why would he be dating this Dee? Lee didn't want to think he was a two-timer. Or the kind of man who'd use one woman as a cover for his relationship with another.

He realised Dee was watching him curiously, and pulled himself together. "Were we dating right up until I went missing?"

She shook her head. "We ended it a few months before. But we stayed friends."

Lee breathed a sigh of relief. That explained it. His relationship with Kara must have started after he broke up with Dee. That made sense. Dee was pretty, and seemed nice enough, but she simply paled in comparison to Kara. There was certainly nothing between them similar to the magnetic pull he had felt towards Kara from the very first, even before he knew who she was.

Dee's smile had disappeared and he suddenly realised how rude he was being.

"I'm glad we stayed friends," he said hurriedly. "I need all the friends I can get at the moment."

"Well you can count on me." Dee smiled, but again it didn't quite reach her eyes. "I'll visit again, but I have to go now – I'm due in CIC."

Lee nodded. "Thanks for visiting."

He watched her as she walked gracefully away, and couldn't help smiling as he saw a familiar blonde head appear through the hatch. He hadn't seen her yet today.

Kara stopped when she saw Dee. The two women exchanged a few words. Lee couldn't hear what was said, but he could see the stony look on Kara's face. She obviously didn't get on with Dee. Not surprising, if Dee was his ex-girlfriend.

Dee left, and Kara walked towards Lee, scowling.

"What was she doing here?"

"She just came to say hello," said Lee neutrally. "And to tell me she used to be my girlfriend." He decided it was best to get it out into the open.

"Do you remember her?" asked Kara. Her tone was casual, but the look in her eyes wasn't.

"No," he said honestly, and Kara smiled.

"Good. That's one person I'm quite happy for you to forget."

Lee decided it might be a good idea to change the subject.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The initial flood of visitors died down soon enough, and Lee found himself with large amounts of free time and nothing to do with it.

A few people still came to see him regularly.

His father, of course. He visited every day. He didn't seem sure what to talk about at first, until Lee asked a few questions about his childhood. He was desperate to fill in some of the gaping holes where his memories should have been. His father seemed to find it awkward talking about the past at first, but after a while he relaxed, and soon Lee didn't even need to prompt him with questions. He told Lee about his mother, and his brother Zak, who were both dead now. He told story after story of the trouble Lee and Zak had got into as kids, and Lee drank them all in, trying to understand who he was. Who Lee Adama had been.

Helo came every few days to play triad, sneaking in alcohol and convincing the nurses to look the other way with a few smiles.

Chief Tyrol and Cally were also regular visitors, both separately and together, sometimes bringing their baby son with them. Cally bullied Lee into holding the baby and much to his surprise, they both survived the experience unscathed.

He tried to thank her once for visiting him, but she stopped him with a look.

"You don't owe us anything," she said firmly. "You've saved both our lives in the past, and we don't forget that."

Laura Roslin came to see him every time she visited Galactica. Lee looked forward to her visits. She was one of the few people who never danced around the topic of his amnesia. The first time she'd visited she'd asked him bluntly if there was anything he wanted to know, and since then she'd patiently answered every question he'd asked her about the fleet, about past events, about himself…whatever he needed. Lee knew there was something going on between her and his father, and he heartily approved, though he wasn't sure he'd ever get up the courage to tell either of them that.

Most of the pilots dropped in at least once a week. Kara had told him that he used to have her job as CAG and had been in charge of the pilots. It seemed that he'd been a good boss, if they were willing to take time out of their busy lives to visit him. Lee was touched.

Dee was another regular visitor, although Lee noticed she was careful to time her visits to coincide with Kara's CAP shifts. He didn't mention her visits to Kara. Not that he was hiding anything, but he didn't want to cause any trouble either. Not after all Kara had done for him.

Even though he was recovering now, she still spent several hours with him every day. Sometimes they just joked and chatted. Other times they played triad, at which she was irritatingly good. Lee had only beaten her once so far, but he was determined to do it again. Sometimes she had paperwork to do, and he'd sit and watch her as she worked.

Whatever they did, it was the high point of his day. When he was with her all his boredom, his frustration at his slow progress, just drained away. He was content to just be.

He valued her company the most on the bad days. As frustrating as his memory loss was, at least it meant he didn't remember his time as a prisoner of the Cylons very clearly. Lee knew that was a blessing. The brief flashbacks he had of it were bad enough. Just little things set them off; a tone of voice, an expression, a flash of metal – and suddenly his surroundings disappeared and he would be immersed in helplessness and terror. It left him shuddering inwardly for hours afterwards.

Kara always seemed to know when he'd had a flashback, even though he never said so. She never tried to talk to him about it. Instead she would distract him by talking about her day, telling stories so that he didn't have to make the effort to talk back, until he finally relaxed and drifted off to sleep.

In the end, it was the very fact that she didn't ask about the flashbacks that got him to talk about them. One evening the floodgates finally opened and he found himself interrupting her story about her latest run-in with Kat and just pouring it all out. What he remembered about being a prisoner. The dreams, the flashbacks. How it had all felt.

She listened in silence as he choked it all out, pretending not to notice when his voice broke or when tears escaped despite his best efforts to hold them back.

When he finished, she still didn't comment. Just handed him a tissue and said: "Better now?"

It was, a little. He felt lighter, somehow, as if talking about the memories had purged the worst of them.

It wasn't completely better. He wasn't sure it ever would be, or that the scars of what the Cylons had done to him would ever heal entirely. But he thought that now he might find it easier to bear.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

One night Kara fell asleep over her paperwork, her head falling onto the blanket next to Lee's arm. She was still there when Cottle came to check in on him.

"I'm not surprised," the doctor said gruffly. "She's been burning the candle at both ends for months, keeping up with the CAG workload and spending time with you. It was bound to catch up with her eventually."

Lee felt like an idiot. He'd never thought to wonder how Kara found the time to sit with him several hours a day. They were at war, and she was the CAG. She could hardly slack off on her duties to spend time with him. She was just cutting down on her sleep instead.

"Let's move her somewhere more comfortable," said Cottle. He tried to rouse her, but Kara was too deeply asleep, and in the end he and a nurse carried her to an empty bed. She didn't even stir, and Lee realised just how exhausted she must be. He could have kicked himself for not noticing before.

He wished there was something he could do to help her, but he was useless, trapped in this damned bed. Not that he could remember how to do his job even if he were physically able to. He slammed his hand against the mattress in frustration, and the crackle of paper made him realise she'd left her paperwork behind.

He picked one of the papers up, scanning it curiously. He didn't remember anything about being the CAG himself, but he wasn't stupid. He might be able to help.

Anyway, he had nothing better to do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kara opened her eyes and wondered where she was.

"Morning, young lady." Cottle's voice provided her answer. "Next time you decide to collapse, try doing it in your own rack. I need these beds for sick people."

Kara rolled her eyes and sat up. "Morning to you too, Doc."

"Seriously," said Cottle, fixing her with a fierce stare, "get some proper sleep. I don't want to have to speak to the Admiral about you."

Kara stared at him. "Was that a threat?"

"Definitely."

"Thought so." Kara scowled and looked at her watch. "Frak! I've got a briefing in half an hour. I'd better go."

She jumped up and headed for the hatch, but Cottle's voice stopped her.

"You might want to collect your paperwork first. I think you left it with Apollo."

"Frak!" Kara muttered again. She pulled back the curtain to Lee's cubicle to find his head bent over said paperwork.

He looked up and smiled at her. "Hey, you're awake."

"As you see." Kara's heart caught at his smile, as always. She still wasn't used to him smiling at her like that; glad and welcoming, and not trying to hide it. He'd never done it before he lost his memory. There had always been a reservation in his smile, a wariness.

Not any more. Although of course now he didn't remember that he had a reason to be wary.

"What are you doing with those?" she asked, trying to settle herself. "You must be really bored if you find half-done flight rosters entertaining reading."

"I _am_ really bored," said Lee, and Kara started at his tone. She had been joking, but he sounded deadly serious.

"Actually, I did more than just read them." He sounded nervous now. "I finished them for you."

"You finished them?"

"Well, I had a go. Here, have a look." He held out the papers.

Kara took them and quickly looked through, easily identifying his irritatingly neat handwriting amid her scrawl. Her eyes widened. He hadn't done badly. A couple of his pairings wouldn't work because of inexperience or personality clash, but he wasn't to know that. Best of all, he'd managed to solve the particular scheduling problem that had been driving her mad the night before.

"I'm sorry," Lee said suddenly, making her look up. "I shouldn't have interfered. I've probably made you even more work-"

"No you haven't," said Kara quickly. "I'd been struggling with that Thursday night schedule for hours, and you've solved it. I can't believe I didn't think of that before." She looked at him curiously. "Are you beginning to remember things, do you think?"

Lee sighed heavily. "I don't think so. Although the roster – it did look familiar. It was weird – I could almost feel how to fill it in, but when I tried to think about it too hard, it just went away." He stopped, struggling for words.

"Like you're holding all the knowledge in your hands, but if you try to grasp it, it slips through your fingers," said Kara.

Lee smiled at her gratefully. "Exactly like that."

"Look, I've got to go," said Kara, glancing at the clock. "Briefing. I'll see you later."

"Get some sleep first," said Lee firmly.

Kara looked at him in surprise and could have groaned at his face. That stubborn look was all too familiar. That was his I-know-what's-best-for-you-Kara-even-if-you-don't expression.

"Lee-"

"I saw how exhausted you were last night, Kara. You've been skipping sleep to see me, haven't you?"

"Would you rather I didn't come?" she said defensively.

"Don't be stupid," he said impatiently. "Seeing you is the best part of my day. You know that."

She didn't, actually. Kara's heart warmed to hear it.

"But I don't want you making yourself ill because of me. I mean it."

Kara grinned at him. "That commander voice never works on me, Lee. But I'll think about it."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She got some sleep. She figured that she could deal with either Lee or Cottle alone, but both was pushing it.

When she woke, she went to see Adama.

"It's about Lee."

Adama tensed immediately. "Is he all right? Cottle didn't say anything-"

"He's fine," said Kara hurriedly. She hadn't meant to worry him. "Apart from being bored out of his brain, that is."

"Well, there's not much I can do about that. He won't be fit for duty for a long time yet."

"He's fit enough to do paperwork," said Kara.

Adama turned to her, frowning. "What do you mean?"

Kara told him about the flight rosters. "Looks like all his knowledge about the fleet is in there somewhere, sir. He's just having trouble accessing it."

"So what do you suggest?" Adama was watching her thoughtfully.

"That I get him to help me with the CAG paperwork." She smiled ruefully. "You know it's never been my strong point."

"I'm not sure about this," said Adama. "I don't want to put any pressure on him. Cottle says his memories will return in their own time, that we shouldn't force them."

"We're not forcing them," said Kara. "And this isn't really his memories – it's his knowledge. It's like re-learning what he already knows. It might help. I think it'll do him more good than sitting in life station brooding about being useless."

Adama raised an eyebrow. "Is he? He's never said anything to me."

"Me either," said Kara. "But he is."

"How do you know?"

"Because he's Lee."

Adama grinned at that. "True enough. So you think paperwork is the answer?"

Kara's lips twitched. "Yes, although I can't believe I'm saying that. I expect to be struck down by the gods at any moment."

Adama laughed outright. "Very well. Go ahead. I've probably got some paperwork he can have a look at as well."

Kara glanced at his bookshelves. "Have you got any fleet textbooks among that lot? I could take them for him to read."

"I think so," said Adama. "Hang on and I'll dig them out."

Kara sat and watched as he scanned the shelves. "There's another reason to do this, sir."

"There is?"

"You know there is. We're seriously short of senior officers. We need Lee back at work, amnesia or not."

She thought Adama was going to snap at her for a moment, but then he nodded. "I know," he said quietly. "But I won't push him. We can manage without him a while longer." He fixed Kara with a hard stare. "I'll be keeping a close eye on his progress."

She smiled. "I wouldn't expect anything less."

Kara eventually left with two fat textbooks on aeronautical engineering and strategy, a copy of fleet regulations, and a pile of reports that needed to be summarized.

She couldn't help grinning as she looked down at the pile in her arms. Only Lee could find a cure in study and paperwork.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Being Lee, of course, he thrived on it.

Kara was encouraged to see that she had been right. Gradually his old knowledge seemed to be rising to the surface. He whizzed through every fleet textbook in Adama's office, saying it all seemed familiar. The reports were concisely and accurately summarised. Following a crash course from Kara on every pilot's abilities and experience, he started doing all the flight rosters. After a few weeks, there was barely a mistake in them. After a few months, he was doing almost all her paperwork, and a large amount of the XO's, leaving Kara and Kelly more time for the active part of their duties. Kara found she actually had time to sleep and eat again. And as for Lee – she was pleased to see his brooding restlessness vanish entirely. He was busy and challenged and happy. He stopped worrying so much about recovering his memory.

He was improving physically too. He'd put on weight and the exercises he conscientiously did every day were strengthening his muscles. His leg had nearly healed completely now, and Cottle produced a pair of crutches. Kara was amused to see it was the same pair she had used when her own leg was healing. She insisted on presenting them to Lee, and calling them the crutches of death. She knew the joke was lost on him, but his puzzled face only made it funnier.

The first time he ventured out of life station she took him to the observation lounge. She'd thought he might like to see the stars after being trapped in the ship for so long. After all, she knew Lee was a pilot at heart, even if he didn't.

His face lit up as soon as they entered the room, and she knew she'd been right. She helped him to a seat by the window; it hadn't been a long walk from life station but he was out of breath. He didn't take his eyes off the view the whole time.

Kara took the seat next to him and they sat there in silence, gazing out at the stars. She was glad she'd cleared out the lounge in advance. She didn't want anything to disturb this quiet moment between them.

She looked again at his rapt face and couldn't help smiling.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" she said.

Lee tore his eyes away from the glass to look at her, and smiled back.

"As beautiful as you."

Kara couldn't believe her ears. For several seconds she just sat there, staring at him, mouth wide open. Had he really just said what she thought he had?

Lee looked puzzled by her reaction. "Come on, Kara. Anyone would think I'd never told you that you were beautiful before."

She finally found her voice. "You haven't."

It was Lee's turn to look astonished. "I haven't?" His look turned to rueful. "Gods, I must have been the worst boyfriend ever."

_Boyfriend?_ It took Kara a moment to work out what he meant. Then she remembered that he thought they'd been dating before his capture.

She felt slightly guilty. She really ought to correct that. Not that she'd actually lied to him. She'd told him they were in love and he'd assumed the rest followed. As of course anyone would.

But if she told him the truth, then he'd ask questions, and she'd have to tell him all the rest of it. The whole twisted history of their relationship. And she couldn't quite face that. Truth be told, the very thought scared her to death. She was afraid he might find it all too much to deal with and just walk away.

After all, he'd walked away from her in the past. And that Lee had loved her. This one didn't even know her. What reason was there for him to stay? Or even try to understand?

No, it was better to keep the pretence up for now. She couldn't face losing him just yet. Maybe later – when he was stronger – she'd tell him then.

She would eventually. Of course she would.

She realised suddenly that he was still waiting for an answer.

"You weren't that bad," she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

He grinned. "Yeah, right. Well, at least now you have the chance to change all that. You can train me out of all my bad habits. One of the few benefits of amnesia."

She couldn't help grinning back. "Did I mention that you used to bring me a cup of coffee in my rack? Every morning?"

He grimaced. "That won't be easy with crutches."

Kara laughed. "I'm sure you'll find a way."

She stared at him for a moment, suddenly inexpressibly happy that he was here. Here to tease and laugh with, as she'd once thought they would never do again.

"I'm sorry, Lee," she said suddenly.

He turned to look at her, alarmed by her sudden change of tone. "For what?"

"For leaving you behind."

He looked puzzled. "I don't understand."

"I should have gone back for you," she said fiercely. "I wanted to. When Helo said he hadn't actually seen you die, I was going to take my Viper and go back for you."

"You were?"

"But the others talked me out of it. They said it was hopeless, that you were already dead."

"They were right," he said softly.

"No, they weren't! You were still alive!"

"But none of you could have known that," he said, in an infuriatingly reasonable tone. "The Cylons picking me up was a fluke. It was only logical to assume that I had died of my wounds-"

"But I'm not logical!" she flashed back. "I'm Starbuck, and I trust my instincts. My instincts were telling me you were alive, and I should have listened to them. Instead I listened to them and their logic, and you spent months in hell as a result."

He caught her face between his hands, forcing her to look at him. "Kara, listen to me. It's not your fault. Even if you had come back for me, what could you have done? The Cylons took me long before you could have got there. You couldn't have stopped them."

"I could have rescued you," she said stubbornly.

His lips twitched. "From a Cylon prison ship? All by yourself?"

She glared at him. "I would have had a damn good try."

The amusement died out of his face, to be replaced by some emotion she couldn't identify.

"You're serious, aren't you?" he said wonderingly.

"Yes."

"You really do something that suicidal? For me?"

"Of course," she said without hesitation.

"But why?" he said, looking genuinely confused. "Why would you do that?"

"Because you're Lee," she said simply, because it _was_ that simple for her. She would do anything for him, she'd always known that. She'd known that she would die to save him long before she could admit to herself that she loved him.

He stared at her for a moment in silence, eyes suddenly bright. She lost herself in that vivid blue gaze, wondering what he was thinking.

"Oh Kara," he said finally. "I know I don't deserve that." He leaned forward, and she realised that his hands were still cupping her face.

"I can see why I loved you," he said, and then he kissed her.

It was nothing like any of the kisses he had given her before. No surprise or awkwardness, as there had been on the Astral Queen. No anger or desperation, as there had been that night in the bunkroom. This was something else.

Affection. Gratitude. Desire. Maybe even love.

He drew away from her finally, and she stared at him, gasping. "What was that?"

He grinned at her. "Don't tell me I never kissed you before either. I refuse to believe I was as bad a boyfriend as that."

She tried to match his light tone. "Don't worry, Lee. You've kissed me."

"I wish I remembered it." His smile turned wicked. "Perhaps it might jog my memory if we tried it again?"

Kara's reply was cut off by his lips descending on hers, so she shrugged mentally and kissed him back. Who knew when she might get another chance?

Lee's memory didn't come back that evening. But they spent a long time trying to jog it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

A few days later, Kara told Lee she was going to Colonial One.

"I'm taking the President some reports from your father. He's swamped at the moment."

It was true, although she didn't say that she had offered to go. She had another reason to go to Colonial One.

Sam. She needed to talk to him. Should have done so a long time ago, but she'd kept putting it off, not wanting to face it.

After the evening in the observation lounge, she knew it was time. Part of her still loved Sam, but she belonged with Lee, and nothing was going to change that.

It was time to let Sam go.

She dealt with her business with the President quickly enough, but when she went to Sam's quarters, she discovered he was on one of the other ships, checking advance security for Roslin's visit there tomorrow. Kara sighed and settled down to wait for him. If she went back to Galactica she wasn't sure she'd get up the nerve to come over here again.

It was several hours before Sam turned up. He looked slightly surprised to see her, but let her into his quarters without comment.

Kara looked around while he checked in with the head of the security team. He had a lot more space than she did in Galactica. Not to mention a private bathroom, which she took advantage of.

Bad idea. She couldn't help noticing the scented shampoo bottle in the shower, or the long hairs in the brush by the basin. Her stomach twisted for a moment, but then she reminded herself that she could hardly blame him. She hadn't seen or even spoken to him for months, after all.

When she stepped out of the bathroom he'd finished his call and was waiting for her, unsmiling.

"So, Kara. Why are you here?"

Blunt and to the point, but perhaps that was best. She wasn't sure she could take any more waiting. She launched into her prepared speech.

He heard her out expressionlessly. "Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I've been expecting this ever since I heard Lee Adama was still alive." He smiled thinly. "You'll forgive me if I don't wish you well."

Kara winced, but she knew she deserved it. "So you won't contest the divorce?"

"No." He walked over to the tiny porthole. "I've got my own life to get on with."

"So I see," she couldn't help saying sharply.

He swung round at that, frowning. "This was your choice, Kara. Not mine."

"I know," she said, her anger dying as quickly as it had sparked. "I'm sorry, Sam. I really am. I didn't think it would turn out like this."

"I just don't understand," he said. "If you loved him that much, why did you marry me?"

Silence. Kara stared at him, frozen, trying to think what to say. How to explain it to him without hurting him any more than she already had.

"It's complicated," she said finally, looking down at the floor. She didn't know what else to say.

She heard him sigh. "Everything always is with you."

"I'm sorry," she said again.

"Kara, just go," he said impatiently. "This is pointless. I'll let you know when the papers are ready to sign."

She went. She walked numbly down the corridors to the shuttle, trying to ignore the tearing pain in her chest. She hadn't thought this would be so hard.

------------------------------------------------------------

Lee sat propped up in bed, summarising the results of a recent equipment inventory for his father. He'd been down to the hangar bay earlier to collect the inventory from the Chief, and it had tired him more than he wanted to admit. He was secretly glad of the chance to rest for a while.

"Hi Lee. Hard at work, I see."

Lee looked up and smiled. "Hi Dee. What are you doing down here?"

She grimaced. "Just had a shot, unfortunately. I hate needles."

Lee agreed whole-heartedly. "Arm throbbing?" he asked sympathetically.

"And then some." Dee hesitated. "Well, I won't keep you. I just wanted to say hi."

"No time for a chat?" asked Lee, slightly disappointed. He enjoyed Dee's company.

She smiled awkwardly. "Well, if you don't mind-"

Lee grinned, suddenly realising why Dee was hesitating. "Relax, Dee. Kara's gone to Colonial One. She won't be back for hours."

Dee looked slightly embarrassed, but she sat down. "Am I that obvious?"

"Let's just say I've noticed you only visit when she's elsewhere," said Lee diplomatically.

"She's disliked me since the moment I started dating you," said Dee ruefully. "I just wasn't good enough for her best friend."

Lee smiled to himself. He knew there was rather more to it than that.

"She seems to think she has a gods-given right to interfere in your life."

Lee shifted uncomfortably, suddenly regretting asking Dee to stay. He really didn't want to hear what she thought about Kara.

"I thought it might get better when she got married," Dee was going on, "but it obviously hasn't. She's still trying to run your life for you – she's even got you doing her paperwork!"

Lee wasn't listening. His mind had frozen at one word.

"Did you say 'married'?"

Dee stopped in mid-flow. "What?"

"Did you say Kara was married?"

"Well yes." Dee looked puzzled. "Isn't that why she's gone to Colonial One?"

Lee gritted his teeth. "What do you mean?"

"Well, that's where her husband works," said Dee, looking bewildered. "He's one of the president's security team. I just assumed she'd gone to see him. She doesn't get to see him very often, as she's so busy here. It must be hard for them, being apart for so long. One of the penalties of military life, I guess."

She trailed off suddenly, looking at Lee's set face.

"You didn't know, did you?" she said slowly. "She didn't tell you."

"No, she didn't." Lee felt as if each word was being wrenched out of him. "Obviously she didn't think it was important."

Dee put a comforting hand on his arm. "I'm sure she had her reasons."

Lee didn't care about reasons. Kara had lied to him. He'd trusted her and she'd lied to him. He couldn't think beyond that.

"How long have they been married?" he asked slowly. He felt as if his entire world had just turned upside-down.

"Just over a year," said Dee. "I went to the wedding."

"I see." Lee pulled his arm out from under her hand. "No offence, Dee, but would you mind leaving me alone? I need to think."

"Of course," said Dee readily, standing up. "I understand."

"Thanks."

"Will you be okay?" she asked, looking down at him with concern. "I could come back later-"

"I'll be fine," said Lee firmly. He just wanted to be alone.

-----------------------------------------------------------

As soon as Dee had gone Lee buried his head in his hands.

He couldn't believe it. How could Kara be married? She'd said she loved him. She'd said they were a couple. How could they be if she was married?

Maybe it wasn't true, he thought hopefully. Maybe Dee was lying. After all, she'd made it fairly clear she didn't like Kara.

He called to one of the nurses, who was making the adjoining bed.

"What can I do for you, Lee?" she said, smiling. He'd got to know all the nurses very well after so long in life station.

"Dee was just telling me about Kara's wedding," he said, carefully casual. "Did you go?"

"Oh yes," said the nurse, smiling widely. "I was down on New Caprica at the time, and they invited the whole colony to the party afterwards. It was lovely to see Starbuck looking so happy. She's been through a lot, that girl."

Lee's hopes shrivelled away to nothing.

"And her husband lives on Colonial One?" he said hollowly.

The nurse nodded. "He stayed here for a while, but it was hard for him. He's not military and there wasn't really a place for him here. He's got a good job now working for the president, but I know it can't be easy for them living on different ships."

"It can't," said Lee mechanically. Fortunately at that moment one of the other patients called out for the nurse. She smiled at Lee apologetically and slipped away.

Lee sat there for a long time, staring dully into space. Remembering.

Remembering how Kara had been so insistent that he not mention their romantic relationship to anyone.

Remembering how awkward she'd looked, almost guilty, when he made that joke about being the worst boyfriend ever.

She'd lied to him.

He only had himself to blame. He'd liked her, felt drawn to her, and so he'd never stopped to question anything she'd told him, had accepted it all at face value.

He wondered why she'd done it. Had she been bored, wanting to amuse herself? Had it been revenge, for something he'd done in the past and now couldn't remember?

If so, she'd succeeded. He'd believed her, trusted her completely. Considered her a friend.

In the observation lounge, he'd started to fall in love with her.

Lee made a strangled sound and buried his face in his pillow. Suddenly it hurt to breathe.

Gods, he'd been a fool.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Kara headed straight for life station as soon as she stepped off the raptor. She needed to see Lee, let him cheer her up.

He was sitting in bed surrounded by paperwork, and she found herself just smiling at the sight of him. Suddenly Sam seemed a long way away.

"Hey Lee, I'm back," she said, perching on the side of the bed. "Miss me?"

"Not really." Lee didn't look up from his paperwork. "I've been busy. My world doesn't revolve around you, Kara."

Every muscle in Kara's body stiffened at his tone. She recognised that tone all too well, although she hadn't heard it since he lost his memory.

The last time she heard it had been in her office on Galactica, when he'd found out she was resigning from the fleet.

He still hadn't looked at her. Or smiled at her. He always smiled when she came to visit him.

"Lee, what's wrong?" Kara found herself sitting up straight, moving her shoulders back, bracing for attack.

"Why would anything be wrong?" Lee finally looked at her and Kara almost gasped out loud.

She hadn't seen this face for a long time either. Cold, shuttered expression, tightly set mouth, angry blue eyes boring into hers.

"Don't give me that crap, Lee," she said roughly, trying not to panic. "What happened while I was away?"

"Oh, you don't want to hear about _my_ day," he said harshly. "I'm sure _you_ had a far more interesting day. With your _husband_."

That one word immobilised Kara as effectively as a punch to the gut. She stared at him in utter shock, unable to form a coherent thought.

_Oh, frak. Frak, frak, frak. Someone told him._

_Gods, I'm such an idiot. How do I explain this now? With him looking at me like that?_

She had to try.

"Lee, you don't understand-"

He cut her off. "What don't I understand? It all seems very clear to me. You lied to me."

"I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!" His eyes were blazing now. "You told me we were a couple."

"No, I didn't. I just let you assume it."

"Well, you definitely told me we were in love," he said sharply. "I remember _that_."

"That was true," she said desperately. "We were."

"How can it be true? You're married." He almost hurled the words at her.

"Yes, but – Lee, it's complicated." Those dreaded words again.

He glared at her. "It seems very simple to me. You're married. That's all that matters."

That did it. The contempt in his voice – in his eyes – was just too much. Brought back too many harsh memories.

"Oh that's just typical, Lee!" she exploded. "Everything always has to be perfect for you, and gods help us poor mortals if we don't live up to your standards. Well, things aren't always as black and white as you'd like to think. They're messy, and if you can't deal with that it's your problem."

"My standards?" He spat the words back at her. "Oh, my standards aren't that high, Kara. They just don't include adultery. Or lying to someone who's lost their memory."

"Lee-"

"Why did you do it, Kara?" he said harshly. "Was it a joke? Or was it payback for something I did to you in the past?"

"What do you mean?"

"Was that the plan? Make me fall in love with you, and then laugh in my face?"

"Lee!" Kara felt as if she'd been kicked in the ribs. "How can you even think I would – don't you know me at all?"

"No," he said bitterly. "I don't. I thought I did, but I don't."

"Lee. I didn't mean – if you'll just let me explain-"

"I don't care!" he shouted at her. The raw pain in his voice silenced her. "I trusted you. I trusted you, and you lied to me. How can you explain that? How can we get past that?"

Kara stared at him. The anger had died down in his face, and she could see now just how much she'd hurt him.

"We can't," she said hollowly. Oh, gods. She'd screwed it all up. Again.

"I'm sorry-" she began, but Lee cut her off. His brief loss of control was over; she could see his cold mask descending again.

"Kara, I don't want to hear it," he said flatly. "Just go."

"If that's what you want." She got to her feet slowly, feeling as if all the blood was draining out of her.

"And don't come back." His voice stopped her halfway to the hatch, cold and cutting. "I don't want to see you."

Kara nodded and stumbled out of life station, barely seeing where she was going.

She'd lost him again. But this time, she only had herself to blame.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Bill Adama looked at his son and drew a deep breath. He wasn't looking forward to this, but he couldn't just stand by and do nothing.

"Son, why have you fallen out with Kara?"

Lee looked up warily from his ever-present paperwork. "What makes you think we've fallen out?"

Bill sighed. "Lee, the whole of life station heard you shouting at each other." Cottle had been on the phone within five minutes, grumbling about the disruption.

"Oh." Lee returned to his papers.

"So, what happened?"

Lee's shoulders stiffened. "Dad, I really don't want to talk about it. It's personal."

"Fine," said Bill, exasperated. "Then keep it personal. You and Kara still have to work together, and I won't have your problems affecting the running of the ship."

"It won't," snapped Lee.

"Really? How can you basically share the CAG job if you're not speaking to her?"

"I'll speak to her about work."

Bill sat down. "Son, I don't want to interfere. But I don't want this to end up like the last time."

Lee looked confused. "What last time?"

"Of course, you don't-" Bill was abruptly angry with himself. After all these months, he should have got used to Lee's amnesia. But the more Lee improved, the more he seemed back to his old self, the harder it was to remember that he wasn't the same as he used to be.

"When Kara decided to leave the fleet to move down to the planet, you weren't happy about it," he said. "Well, neither was I, but I kept it to myself. You didn't. You had a massive row about it, and afterwards you didn't speak for months. You still weren't speaking when you were captured by the Cylons."

"We weren't?" Lee looked completely taken aback.

"You weren't. That's partly why Kara took your death so hard. She thought she'd lost her chance to make things right with you." Bill took a deep breath. "Lee, don't make the same mistake. We're still at war, and Kara's risking her life every day. You don't want to leave things like this between you."

He waited for a moment or two, but Lee didn't reply. Not that Bill had really expected it. Lee had never found it easy to give up his grudges.

He'd had two long years to learn that painful lesson.

He had stood up to leave when Lee finally spoke.

"Dad. Were Kara and I more than just friends?"

Bill turned to look at him. Lee's face was still set hard, but there was something like a plea in his eyes. The trouble was Bill wasn't sure exactly what he was asking.

"Well, I suppose you were. After all, she's really family, not just a friend. I think we've both thought of her as family ever since she was engaged to Zak."

He stopped. Lee had paled and was staring at him in utter consternation.

"_Zak_? My _brother_ Zak? Kara was _engaged _to him?"

"Yes," said Bill slowly. He had a horrible feeling he'd just said something wrong. "She was engaged to him when he was killed. Didn't she tell you?"

"No," said Lee. His face abruptly shut down; Bill could see him retreating back behind his defences. "It seems there are a lot of things she didn't bother to tell me."

Bill decided it was best to leave before he made things any worse. This was why he usually left Lee and Kara to sort themselves out. They always did. Eventually.

Still, there was no harm in giving them a helping hand. He asked Dee to call Helo to his quarters.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Helo found Kara easily enough. She was in the gym, punching the stuffing out of an unfortunate bag.

"Hi Kara. Are you pretending that's Apollo's head?"

She didn't look up, didn't even break rhythm.

"Mind your own business, Karl."

"Fair enough," he said easily. "I just thought you might want to talk."

Kara launched a punch that nearly sent the bag flying off its hook.

"Frak off, Helo!"

He went.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four hours later, he was reading a magazine in his rack when someone dangled a bottle in front of his nose.

He looked up to meet Kara's wary eyes.

"I thought I might take you up on that offer," she said awkwardly. "But only if alcohol's involved."

Helo looked at the bottle. "That the Chief's home brew?"

She nodded.

"Then I'm in."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They went to her office. After three glasses apiece Helo judged it was safe to venture on the forbidden topic.

"So what's happened between you and Apollo?"

Kara looked down at her glass. "He found out about Sam."

Helo frowned. "Found out _what_ about Sam?"

"He found out that he existed." Kara grimaced.

Helo stared at her. "You mean you hadn't told him before?"

Kara shook her head.

"Why the frak not?"

"I just…didn't think it was important."

"Well, it obviously was." Helo drained his glass. "Come on, Kara. Spill. There's obviously more to it than that."

Kara sighed. "Well…I may have allowed Lee to think that we were a couple. Before he lost his memory."

Helo decided he needed another drink for this. "And how exactly did that happen?"

"It was when he first woke up." Kara looked very vulnerable all of a sudden. "He asked me if we were friends and I said yes. And then – and then I remembered how I felt when he died. How much I wished I'd told him I loved him when I had the chance. And suddenly I couldn't leave it like that. So I told him we were in love."

"I see. And not unnaturally, he assumed that meant you were a couple," said Helo. He felt suddenly very tired.

"Well, yes."

"And you didn't correct him."

"No."

"Why on earth not? Kara, you must have known he'd find out the truth sooner or later! What the hell were you thinking?"

"I don't know!" she snapped defensively. "I suppose I just – I just couldn't face telling him the whole stupid story. I mean, first I have to explain about Zak. And then about marrying Sam. And then there's the part where I shot him-"

"I suppose it is a bit much to take on board all at once," Helo admitted.

Kara shot him a sarcastic glance. "You think? He'd have been running for the hills screaming after ten sentences."

"Okay, so maybe I can see why you didn't say anything at first," said Helo. "But why not later?"

Kara shifted uncomfortably. "I was going to. When he was fully recovered. I just – haven't got around to it."

"Right," said Helo sceptically.

Kara bristled. "I _was_ going to tell him! I decided I had to after what happened in the observation lounge-"

Helo pounced on that. "The observation lounge? You mean when you kicked us all out so you could take Apollo in there on your own? What exactly happened?"

Kara shrugged, but she wouldn't meet his eyes. "Nothing. We were looking at the stars, and one thing led to another…"

"The things being Apollo's mouth and your tongue?"

Kara hit his forearm. "Frak you, Helo!"

He grinned. "Sounds like you're too busy frakking Apollo."

Kara glared at him indignantly. "We didn't-" She broke off abruptly.

He grinned at her. It was so nice to have her on the defensive for a change. "I see. Not yet fully recovered, is he?"

She gave him the finger. "Just shut the hell up."

Helo decided to give in. He'd had his fun. Time to move on before she blacked his eye. "Anyway, so you had an – encounter – in the observation lounge. And then a few days later he finds out about Sam?" He whistled. "Bad timing."

"That's not the half of it. He found out while I was visiting Sam on Colonial One."

Helo stared at her. "Why on earth were you visiting Sam? You haven't seen him for months."

Kara stared down at the table. "I was asking for a divorce," she muttered.

"Well, why didn't you tell Apollo that?"

"I tried!" she shouted. "But you know what he's like when he's angry – he just won't listen. Every time I tried to explain he cut me off, and then he said he didn't care about my explanation; all that mattered was that he'd trusted me and I'd lied to him – and he's right," she said, suddenly slipping from anger to melancholy. "He's completely right. I deceived him and I don't deserve that he should listen to me."

She trailed off, staring glumly into her empty glass.

What a mess, thought Helo. What an utter, frakked-up mess. Typical.

"Gods, Starbuck," he said. "You do like to make things complicated."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" screamed Kara. She picked up her glass and hurled it at the wall.

Helo flinched at the crash of broken glass. He looked wearily at Kara.

"Feel better now?"

"No," she said sullenly. "Oh, Karl!" Her eyes were suddenly very bright. "I just don't know what to do."

"I think you need to tell Apollo the truth about the past," said Helo slowly. "Explain exactly what's been going on between the two of you. Then he can decide where he wants to go from there."

"But how can I?" Kara demanded. "He won't even speak to me."

Helo put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You just leave that to me."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Helo." Apollo looked up and smiled as he approached. "Good to see you. Fancy a game of triad?"

"Not today." Helo took a seat. "I'm here to talk about Kara."

Apollo's face turned hard and unwelcoming. "Helo, it's really none of your business."

Not again. Helo sighed. Sometimes he couldn't help thinking Apollo and Starbuck deserved each other.

"Well, tough," he said exasperatedly. "Because I've got something to say and you're damned well going to listen to it."

Apollo glared at him but Helo ploughed on, ignoring him.

"Look, I don't know what was going on between you and Kara before you were captured, but I do know what happened when she thought you were dead."

Some of the anger faded from Apollo's expression, but his eyes were still hard. "What happened?"

"She went to pieces, that's what happened," said Helo angrily. His memories of that time were still all too vivid. "She couldn't sleep without taking pills because she had nightmares about you dying. She barely ate. She was half drunk most of the time, and if I hadn't covered for her with the Old Man he'd have had no choice but to kick her out. She wrecked her marriage because she wouldn't let Sam help her or even talk to him about what was wrong. And that was all because of you. Because she loved you so much she couldn't cope with losing you."

The hard expression had completely disappeared now. Apollo was pale, and his eyes looked stricken. "I didn't realise-"

"I know," said Helo, more gently. "That's why I'm telling you now."

"I just don't understand," said Apollo, looking bewildered. "If she loved me, then why did she-" He buried his head in his hands. "I'm so confused, Helo. I don't know what's true and what's not any more."

"Then let her explain," said Helo insistently. "Let her tell you what really happened between you. She's willing to do it if you'd just let her."

Apollo sighed. "I don't know. I just keep wondering if it would be easier just to leave it. To stay away from her."

Helo took a deep breath. "It might be easier, but I don't think it would be the right thing to do."

Apollo looked at him sharply. "Why not?"

"First because after all Kara's done to help you recover, I think you owe her something. And second – second because when you thought you were dying, the last thing you asked me to do was to tell Kara that you loved her." Helo met Apollo's gaze earnestly. "If you had your memory back, you'd be doing everything you could to fix things with her. Believe me."

Apollo just stared at him for a moment. Helo couldn't tell what was going on beneath those guarded blue eyes. He'd never been able to read Apollo very well. But at last the other man sighed and nodded.

"All right. Tell her I'll listen to what she has to say."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note:** I love Helo. After this I think Kara owes him a lifetime's supply of lollipops :-)


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Kara walked out of the mess and headed wearily towards her office. She had a pile of paperwork waiting and there was little chance of Lee doing it for her at the moment.

She walked into her office and stopped dead to find it already occupied. Someone was sitting in the chair by her desk, crutches propped beside him, waiting for her.

"Lee." Her legs felt suddenly shaky. "What are you doing here?"

He folded his arms, face unsmiling. "Helo said you wanted to talk. So let's talk."

"Now?" Kara was taken aback. She had thought she'd have a bit more time to prepare.

"No time like the present," said Lee coldly. "And I think this talk is long overdue, don't you?"

"All right," said Kara grudgingly. She walked around the desk to her own chair and sat down. She pulled open her desk drawer and started rummaging.

"What are you looking for?"

"This," she said, pulling out another bottle of the Chief's home brew.

Lee looked slightly disapproving. "Kara, I don't think-"

"Look, if we're going to talk about our past, we're going to need some alcohol," said Kara brusquely. "Believe me."

Lee didn't argue any further, just watched silently as she poured them both a glass.

"Thanks," he said as she resealed the bottle. "Now talk."

Kara sighed. "Lee, would you just – look, talking about this is going to be difficult for me. And you're not making it any easier sitting there looking at me like you're a judge about to pass sentence."

Lee stiffened, and for a moment she thought he was going to snap back at her. But then something seemed to change inside him. His shoulders relaxed and his face softened slightly.

"I suppose – I'm just nervous about what you're going to say. And it frustrates me so much, not being able to remember all this myself."

"Cottle says there's every chance your memory will come back one day," said Kara softly. "You've just got to be patient."

Lee grimaced. "And have I ever been good at being patient?"

Kara thought about that. "No," she admitted, and they shared an amused look. The knots in Kara's stomach loosened and she took a deep breath. "I don't know where to begin."

"How about when we first met?"

"Okay. When we first met, I was dating your brother." She looked towards Lee, expecting some reaction, but he just nodded.

Kara stared at him. "You knew?"

"Yes, Dad let that bit of information drop the other day," said Lee, at his most sarcastic. "Thanks for keeping me posted."

"I'm telling you now, aren't I?" Kara snapped defensively. "Or I would be if you just shut up and let me."

"So sorry to interrupt. Please, carry on."

Kara firmly repressed her urge to punch the sarcastic smirk off his face and tried to remember what she had been saying.

"So, we met through Zak?" Lee prompted impatiently.

"Yes. You used to visit us on your breaks from War College. The three of us had some great times together." Kara took a deep breath as she faced the next bit of the story. It wouldn't be easy to say this, but she had vowed to herself that from now on she would be honest with Lee, however much it hurt. "But even then – we weren't just friends, you and I. There was always some spark, some attraction between us – I know we both felt it. But we never acted on it, never even spoke about it."

"Good," said Lee sharply. "I'm glad I'm not the kind of man who cheats on his own brother."

Kara bristled at the accusation in his voice. "I loved Zak," she said, glaring at him. "Whatever I felt for you, I loved your brother with my whole heart. Don't you dare suggest otherwise."

Lee looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, surprising her. Apologies from Lee were rare.

"Dad said you were engaged," he continued softly.

"We were." Kara took a large gulp of the home brew. "But then he died."

"That must have been hard."

"It was," said Kara flatly. "Especially because it was my fault."

Lee's head jerked up at that. "Your fault?" He stared at her in confusion. "Dad said he died in a flying accident. How can it have been your fault?"

"Because I was his flight instructor." Kara wondered bitterly how badly she had offended the gods, that they would make her confess this to Lee twice. "And Zak failed his flight test. But I loved him, you see. Loved him too much to disappoint him. So I faked the results and passed him. And he died."

Silence. Kara drained her glass and slammed it down on her desk, waiting for the accusations, the blame. The disgust.

Instead a hand reached across the desk to grasp hers.

"Kara."

She looked up and met Lee's eyes, and what she saw in them nearly undid her. How could he look at her like that? She'd killed his brother.

"Kara," he said again, and she jerked her hand away.

"Don't comfort me, Lee," she said harshly. "Not about this."

He didn't even flinch at her tone. Just stared at her for a moment consideringly, and then leaned back in his chair. "All right."

"I killed him, Lee," she said again. He didn't seem to understand.

A flicker of annoyance crossed his face. "No, you didn't, Kara. The plane killed him. You just made a mistake."

"A mistake?" she stared at him incredulously. "That mistake destroyed your family, Lee. You blamed your father for Zak's death, for pushing Zak into being a pilot. You didn't speak to him for two years."

Lee's mouth fell open. "He never told me about that."

"And I could have stopped it." Kara pushed on, fighting back the tears. "I should have told you what I'd done, who was really to blame. But I was too selfish to do that. I couldn't bear to lose you as well as Zak. And your father paid the price for it." She took a shuddering breath. "I tried to make it up to him, Lee. I did. I joined Galactica, tried to be the family he'd lost. And I did do the right thing in the end. I told you what I'd done, and you started talking to him again."

"You did? How did I take it?"

"You didn't say much. I think you were too shocked. And – well, it was in the middle of the Cylon attack. There were other things going on."

"But we talked about it later, right?"

"Once," said Kara, remembering. "Well, you talked. You said that you were glad I'd told you and that I shouldn't blame myself."

"Doesn't look like you paid much attention," said Lee drily.

Kara couldn't meet his eyes. "Can we talk about something else?" She poured herself another glass of home brew.

"Okay," said Lee neutrally. "Let's move on. So, the Cylons attacked and I ended up on Galactica. Dad told me about that. What happened with us?"

"We were friends again. Almost inseparable." Kara couldn't help smiling as she remembered those days. "I hadn't realised how much I'd missed you. It was like going back to the days before Zak died."

"But?" said Lee. "I can hear there's a but."

Kara sighed. "But that spark I was talking about was still there. Soon I wanted more from you than friendship. And I couldn't have it."

"Why not?"

Kara laughed bitterly. "Let me count the reasons, Lee. You were my direct superior officer, for a start."

"Somehow I don't think you're the kind of person who's ever cared much for regs," said Lee mildly.

"Yes, but _you_ are," said Kara sharply. "You'd never risk your career for a frak."

"Perhaps that depends who it was with," Lee said slowly.

His eyes were deadly serious. For a moment Kara almost lost herself in them, before she pulled herself back to reality with a sharp jerk. He didn't mean what he was saying. He didn't even remember what she was talking about.

"It wasn't just regs," she snapped. "Try Zak's ghost. Try the fact that we're at each other's throats most of the time. Try the fact that you were the best friend I had left in the world and I wasn't about to risk that." She laughed sourly. "Although, being me, I screwed up our friendship anyway."

"How?"

"A stupid impulse, that's how. There was a party. For the Vice-President's election." She clenched her hand around the glass. "You'd been winding me up about my hygiene, and I decided to dress up to shock you. Make-up, hair, glam dress – the whole works." She snorted. "I still can't believe I did something so unbelievably girly."

"Did it work?" Lee leaned forward to refill his glass, but his eyes didn't leave her face.

Kara couldn't help smirking. "Oh, it worked, Adama. Your eyes practically fell out of your head. We started dancing, and I thought-"

"You thought?"

Kara stared intently at the papers on her desk. "I thought that maybe something was finally going to happen between us. But then someone else asked me to dance, and you left. And you didn't come back." She shrugged, determinedly casual. "Maybe you had second thoughts. Came to your senses. I don't know."

"I wish I did," Lee muttered. "So, what happened then?"

"I was upset," Kara said, trying to excuse what came next. "And drunk. So I went home with another guy. One night stand. The next day, you found out, and – well, let's just say you weren't too happy. We had a very public fight in the middle of the hangar bay."

"As bad as the one in life station?" asked Lee. Kara could see he was trying to get her to smile.

She didn't.

"Worse," she said briefly. "We punched each other in the face and you basically called me a slut."

"Oh." Lee suddenly wasn't smiling either.

"I thought you hated me," said Kara quietly. "So when President Roslin asked me to go on a suicidal mission to Caprica, I was all for it."

She fell silent for a moment, swirling the dark liquid in her glass.

"I don't know what to say to that," said Lee. "Except that a) I'm sorry and b) I'm obviously a complete idiot if I abandoned you on a dance floor wearing a glam dress."

Kara looked up at him. He was smiling ruefully, and to her amazement, she felt an answering smile tug at her own lips.

"Well, you _are_ an idiot," she said. "I've never hesitated to tell you so."

"And you're always right."

"Always," she said firmly, and they both laughed. Kara took a full breath for the first time since she had started this.

"Where was I?" she asked.

"Suicidal mission to Caprica," said Lee, leaning back in his chair. "Obviously it _wasn't _suicidal."

"Not quite." Kara didn't want to talk about the Cylon hospital. "That was where I met Sam. He was part of the Caprican resistance."

"And it was love at first sight?" Lee's tone was light, but Kara could see the muscles around his mouth tighten.

"In a way." She sighed. "I was so confused and upset about you, and there was Sam. Easy. Unthreatening. Accepting me just the way I was. We only had a few days together, but it was intense. I couldn't bear it when I had to leave him."

Lee looked surprised. "You didn't bring him back to the fleet?"

"Not that time. We only had one raptor, and he wouldn't leave his friends. But I promised to come back for him."

"And you did."

"Eventually." Kara emptied her glass. "So I came back to the fleet, my thoughts full of him, and then I saw you. And you kissed me. Everything I felt for you came back with blinding force. And I was utterly confused all over again."

"I kissed you?" Lee grinned. "Okay, I am now less of an idiot."

"Don't flatter yourself, Apollo," said Kara sourly. "You then proceeded to tell me that you loved me."

"I did?"

"You did," said Kara grimly. "You then laughed it off, denied it, told me I was dreaming, and never referred to it again."

Lee's face fell. "Obviously there was still some idiocy at work."

"We just went back to being friends," said Kara bitterly. "Friends and nothing more. So I went back to thinking about Sam. Tried to arrange his rescue, but your father and Roslin wouldn't allow it. I felt more and more guilty about leaving him behind. He was all I thought about, except when I was with you - and that only made me feel even more guilty. I started drinking."

She looked down at the desk again. She couldn't get the next bit out while looking at him.

"Then one night the two of us were alone drinking in the rec room. We'd just lost some of our pilots, and I thought that I could be next, and if I didn't do what I wanted now, I might not have another chance. So I kissed you." She heard Lee's indrawn breath. "And then – then we ended up in the bunkroom."

"Oh," said Lee. She still couldn't look at him. "So we-"

"No, we didn't." Kara's mouth twisted. "I freaked out. The more I touched you, the more it felt like I was betraying Sam. As if by being with you I was abandoning him, when I'd promised him I'd come back." She sighed. "You could tell something was wrong, and when you called me on it, I just lashed out. I told you there was nothing between us and you were just a quick lay."

She held her breath, waiting for his reaction, eyes fixed firmly on the desk.

"Ouch," said Lee finally. She could hear the wince in his voice. "You hit hard, Kara."

"Yeah." She laughed harshly. "Not surprisingly, you kind of gave up on us after that. You started seeing Dee soon after."

"And you went back for Sam?"

"Yes." Kara finally made herself look at him. What she saw surprised her. His face held none of the anger or accusation she had been expecting. He just looked sad.

It gave her the courage to say the next part. "But first, I shot you."

"_What_?" Lee's eyebrows practically disappeared into his hairline. "You _shot_ me?"

Kara nodded. Her hands were trembling against her glass. "Some terrorists took over a bar on one of the civilian ships, and you were one of the hostages. I went in to get you, but my cover was blown. People started shooting, and in all the chaos-"

"So that's where I got my other bullet scar," said Lee. "I had wondered." He reached once more for the bottle. "You weren't kidding when you said we'd need plenty of alcohol to get through all this."

"I'm sorry, Lee," said Kara abruptly. He looked at her in surprise. "I didn't mean to do it, really I didn't. It was an accident."

Puzzled blue eyes stared into hers. "Well of course it was. That kind of situation – bullets whizzing everywhere – anything could have happened. Why would you even think-?" He broke off, looking suddenly stricken. "Please don't tell me I threw it in your face."

"Only the once," said Kara, trying to dismiss it, but he went even paler.

"Kara, I'm so sorry. I don't remember it, but I'm so sorry. I can't believe-"

"Don't get so wound up about it." Kara couldn't bear that _he_ should feel guilty when he was the one who'd been shot. "We sorted it out. Patched things up. You even helped me plan the mission to rescue Sam."

That distracted him. "I did?"

Kara nodded. "We never spoke about it, but I think we each decided that it was better to stay friends and nothing more."

"And how long did that last?" asked Lee sceptically.

"Until I told you I was leaving the fleet and marrying Sam," said Kara. "You were furious. You said it was because I was abandoning my duties, but I knew it was really because by marrying him I was finally turning my back on you. On us." Her face tightened at the memory. "It was the worst fight we ever had, Lee. Some of the things we said to each other – you should be glad you don't remember them."

"So that fight was why we weren't speaking for months before I went missing?"

"Yes. I didn't even see you again until the day before, and we barely said two words to each other."

Lee considered that for a moment. "Why _did_ you marry Sam?"

"Because I wanted to set you free." The words came out of her without conscious thought. "To free both of us. All we did was hurt each other, and I was so tired of it, Lee. I thought the best thing to do would be to make a new start, break away from you completely. Leave you to be happy with someone else."

Lee was staring intently at her. She couldn't read the expression on his face. "And did it work?"

Kara laughed harshly. "I thought it did. And then you died, and everything fell apart."

"Helo said you took it hard," said Lee quietly.

"You once told me I was better at dealing with dead guys," said Kara. "I slapped you for it, but you were right. Do you know, I couldn't even admit to myself that I loved you until you were dead? And then all I could think about was how I'd been too cowardly to tell you in person, how I'd wasted the time I'd had with you because I was afraid."

Lee reached out to take her hand again, and this time she let him. "Kara-"

"I missed you so much, Lee," she said jerkily. "Losing you – it was like being locked in a dark cupboard and I couldn't get out. Hell, I didn't even want to get out. Sam did his best to help me, but I ignored him. Pushed him away. In the end, he gave up, went to Colonial One. I can't really blame him."

Lee frowned. "I wouldn't have given up."

Kara half smiled at that. "Well, you've always been too stubborn for your own good."

"So why were you visiting him the other day?" Lee asked.

Kara took a deep breath. "I was asking him for a divorce. I've meant to do it ever since you came back, but I just kept putting it off. Didn't want to face it, I guess."

Lee flushed with embarrassment as she spoke, and released her hand. "It's official. I'm a complete and utter idiot."

"Well, you've got company," said Kara ruefully. "I know I should have just been honest with you about our relationship from the start. But when you asked me if we were friends, I just flashed back to when I thought you were dead, how much I'd wished I'd told you I loved you. And suddenly I had a second chance, and I couldn't pass it up. I couldn't deny it again."

Lee smiled hesitantly. "Well, having heard the whole story, I can see why you were wary about telling me the truth. Complicated doesn't even begin to describe it."

"I thought it might send you running away from me as fast as possible," Kara admitted.

"Maybe it would have." Lee's face sobered and he leaned forward, holding her eyes with his. "Kara, I'm sorry I went off at you like that the other day. It's just – I feel so helpless, relying on other people to tell me about my own life, and the fact that you'd been lying about it – it just hit a tender spot."

"That's all right," said Kara, slightly bewildered by his apology. "I understand. How do you feel now?"

Lee sighed. "I'm not sure. Like I said, all this is complicated. I'm going to need some time to think through what you've told me."

"That's fine," said Kara, trying to mask her disappointment. "You know where I am if you want to speak to me."

Lee looked startled, then understanding rushed across his face. "Kara, I didn't mean – of course I want to speak to you! I want to be friends again. You've done so much for me these last months – kept me going – I can't manage without you."

"Oh." Kara couldn't help smiling. She hadn't realised she was so important to him.

"I want you in my life, Kara," Lee went on, looking nervous. "As a friend, definitely. Maybe more than that, but I'm not sure. My memory – everything's still so confused at the moment. Can we just – take things slowly? See what happens?"

Kara nodded, relief almost choking her. She'd been afraid he would never want to speak to her again. Friends might not be all she'd hoped for, but it was far better than nothing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's note:** This was the toughest chapter to write in this whole story, so I would really appreciate your comments on it. Does it make sense? Does it work emotionally? Is it overly long and talky? Please let me know what you think.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Being friends with Lee again was unexpected happiness for Kara. It was so long since they had been friends, and even longer since they had been on the same ship. She resurrected old traditions.

She dragged him off to the gym to follow the exercises Cottle prescribed to recover his strength, and jogged with him through the hallways as he built up the muscles in his legs. They ate together in the mess and she spiked his coffee with salt. He started joining the pilots in the rec room when they played triad and she comprehensively kicked his butt for old times sake.

When Cottle finally released him from life station she arranged for him to sleep in his old rack again. She told the Admiral it might help him regain his memory. Nothing to do with the fact that it was opposite her own, that she could lie there in the quiet shadows and watch him sleeping. Reassure herself that he was whole and alive and back where he belonged.

Lee set himself to recovery with the dogged determination he applied to everything in his life, and after a few months, he eventually reached the point where Cottle cleared him for full duties.

The next day he told his father he was going to learn to fly again. The Admiral tried to talk him out of it, but Lee just fixed him with a stubborn blue stare and told him to deny that he needed every pilot he could get.

So Kara ended up with Lee in her nugget class.

--------------------------------------------------------------

When he told her she laughed solidly for five minutes while he glared at her exasperatedly. That only made her laugh more, and he stalked out, leaving her doubled over on her rack. When she told Helo it took ten tries to get the words out coherently.

If he ever got his memory back, she was never going to let him live this down.

Word soon got round. The day of Lee's first training session with the new class of nuggets Kara walked into the briefing room to find it packed with pilots wanting a 'refresher course'.

She let them stay. She thought she deserved a little payback for all the jokes Lee had pulled on her in the past.

She couldn't get him to call her 'God'.

But she did make him repeat the four basic controls of flying ten times.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Kara took them all out in vipers for the first time, Lee was incredibly nervous. He did his pre-flight check at least five times and looked so pale that Kara had to bite her lip to stop herself going over to reassure him.

They shot out of the launch tubes, and as she rapped out instructions to the group over the comms, she kept her eyes on Lee. He was manoeuvring slowly and cautiously, but as she began to put them through the training patterns, everything changed.

Kara had thought it would. It was just as it had been with the paperwork. The knowledge and skill was still there in Lee's brain; he just couldn't consciously access it. As the nuggets performed manoeuvre after manoeuvre, she could almost feel him relaxing, letting his instincts take control. With every exercise he was faster and more confident, and by the end of the session he had far outstripped any of the others.

When she sent them back to Galactica, Kara told Lee to stay behind. She showed him how to perform some more complicated manoeuvres and was thrilled to see that he followed through perfectly.

"You'll pass basic flight in no time," she said to him, and flipped her viper above his so she could smile down at him through the glass. He grinned back.

"Enjoying yourself?" she asked, and his grin widened.

"Hell, yes. This is the happiest I've felt since I woke up here. I feel like I'm back where I belong."

"Among the stars?"

"Among the stars with you."

Kara felt suddenly awkward, unsure how to take that. Since their long talk several months ago in her office, she had stuck resolutely to Lee's offer of friendship, waiting for him to say he was ready for more. Was that comment a sign that he was?

She tried not to build her hopes up.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Lee strode down the corridors of Galactica.

"Hey, Helo. You seen Kara?"

"She's in the bunkroom," said Helo, grinning. "Indulging her artistic side."

He walked on before Lee could ask what he meant by that. He shrugged. He'd find out soon enough.

As he headed to their bunkroom, he could feel his stomach cramping nervously as it always did at the moment when he saw Kara. It had been happening ever since she told him he would be getting his wings next week, and he'd made a decision.

Getting his wings was important to him. It felt like he was finally getting part of his old life back. That had given him the courage to try to get the most important part of his old life back.

Kara.

It was time to ask her if they could be more than just friends.

Lee felt sick with nerves just thinking about it. He hoped when he finally came to do it he wouldn't start stammering or something equally embarrassing.

He'd spent a long time thinking about what Kara had told him about their past in her office that day. Tried to get it all straight in his head.

Eventually, he had decided none of it mattered. The arguments, the pain, the misunderstandings – none of it was important. What _was_ important was how he and Kara felt about each other now, and what they chose to do about it.

Lee knew how he felt. If he had thought he was falling in love with Kara all those months ago, now he was certain of it. He couldn't imagine his life without her, and he didn't want to.

He only hoped she felt the same.

He took a deep breath and fixed a smile on his face as he entered the bunkroom. Kara was sitting at the table, a flight helmet in front of her.

"Hey, Kara."

"Hey Lee," she said, but she didn't look up, too absorbed in what she was doing. As Lee stepped closer, he realised she was painting something on the front of the helmet in red paint. For a moment he thought she was using her fingers, but then he blinked and realised she was using a fine brush. He felt suddenly unsteady, and put his hand on the back of a chair.

"Who's that for?" he asked.

"Kat," said Kara, still not looking up. "It's her thousandth landing today. The helmet's a pilot tradition."

Lee moved round to look at her work. She'd painted the number 1000 across the front, surrounded by tiny vipers.

"Impressive," he said idly. "But I thought you didn't like her?"

Kara twisted her head round to grin up at him. "Exactly. Nothing like unwarranted generosity to make her feel awkward. I'll enjoy watching her choke on her thanks."

Lee laughed. "You're an evil woman."

"I try." Kara put the brush aside. "I'd better hurry. CAP's due back any minute." She jumped up, pushing back the chair, and picked up the helmet.

"Careful!" said Lee. "You've got paint all over the floor."

"Shit! Where?"

Kara looked round with irritation and then frowned. "Lee, what the hell are you talking about? I haven't spilled a drop."

Lee moved beside her to stare at the floor. She was right. The floor was clean and unmarked.

"I could have sworn-"

Kara's face turned from annoyance to worry. "Lee, are you all right? You're not – seeing things again, are you?"

Everything inside Lee froze for a moment. Gods, he hoped not.

"I'm fine," he said tightly, even though it wasn't true. His head was suddenly buzzing.

"Lee?" Kara looked torn. "Lee, I have to go-"

"Go," he snapped. "I'm fine."

Kara looked at him doubtfully, but she started moving. "If you're sure-"

"I'm sure," he said, trying to raise a smile. "Go. She'll never let you forget it if you're late."

Kara went, with one last backward glance, and Lee was left alone.

He found himself staring at the floor. He was sure he'd seen red paint sprayed across it….

He blinked, and there it was, a scarlet arc across the floor. Then he looked up at the table and he could see Kara as she had been a moment ago, painting the helmet, but this time she was using her fingers and he was helping her.

She was laughing at him, mouth set in a wide mocking smile.

'_You are so unprepared. You're the worst CAG in the history of CAGs.'_

The buzzing in his head grew to deafening proportions.

Lee stumbled through the hatch. He'd better go and see Cottle, maybe the hallucinations were coming back…

Another vision swamped him just outside the hatch. Now he was walking between his father and Kara, and she was telling a story. _Do you know what your father did on his thousandth landing?_

Lee put a hand against the wall, desperately trying to steady himself. He just stood there, completely unaware of anything but the voices and images which were flooding into his head, leaving no room for anything else.

'_If it were you, we'd never leave.'_

'_I like Captain Apollo. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?'_

'_Apollo, you magnificent bastard! I couldn't have done it better myself.'_

It was too much. A thousand memories crashing down all at once. Lee leant his head against the wall, trying to clear it.

He took a deep breath, and his surroundings came into focus. To his utter relief he realised he was still outside his bunkroom. He opened the hatch and staggered in, heading straight for his rack. He could try to get to life station later.

He didn't know how long he lay there, staring at the metal underside of the bunk above him, trying to absorb the memories as they surged through his head.

Some of them made him smile.

Zak, whooping and punching the air when he told Lee he'd got into fleet academy.

The look in his dad's eyes when he promoted Lee to commander.

Some of them hurt.

The things he'd said to his father at Zak's funeral.

The Olympic carrier, exploding into flames before him.

But one memory rose above the others. One memory made him raise his head, gasping.

_Kara said she loved me._

Lee sat bolt upright, nearly banging his head on the bunk above.

_Kara said she loved me._

Had it really happened?

He racked his brains desperately. It had, it definitely had. He was sure of it.

He just hadn't realised until now how much those few words meant. Or just how long he had been waiting to hear them.

Lee rolled off his rack and got to his feet. He had to find Kara. Right now.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Lee found Kara in her office, head buried in paperwork.

He smiled at the sight of her. Of course, he often smiled at the sight of her, but now it was different. Now he could remember every time he'd smiled at her, right back to the first time he ever saw her. Now he looked at her and remembered exactly how much they had been through to get here today.

"Kara," he said, and that was new too. Now her name meant so much more to him.

"Lee!" She looked pleased to see him. "Did you want something? I just have to finish this paperwork-"

"It can wait," he said brusquely. He had to do this now, before he lost his nerve.

He could see an angry retort rise to her lips, but it faded as she looked at him. "Lee? Is something wrong?"

Lee went straight to the point. They'd wasted too much time already.

"Kara, when you said you loved me…did you mean it?"

She looked confused. "Of course I meant it."

It _had_ been real. Lee thought his heart was going to burst.

"Say it again."

Kara was definitely irritated now. "Lee, what the hell-"

"Just say it." He knew he sounded desperate, but he didn't care. He needed to hear her say it again, now he understood what it meant.

Kara must have heard his desperation as well, because her face softened.

"Okay, Lee," she said, half exasperated, half serious. "I love you."

A huge smile spread across Lee's face. Hearing her say it was everything he'd ever thought it would be.

"Good, because I love you too."

Kara stared at him, looking as if she couldn't believe her ears.

"Lee?"

"Did you hear me? I love you, Kara Thrace. No takebacks."

A smile slowly bloomed across Kara's face. "You remember," she breathed.

Lee nodded, his eyes locking with hers. "I remember everything."

Then he moved, and she moved, and the next moment they were in each other's arms, and she was holding him so tightly he couldn't breathe. Lee didn't care. He just turned his head and kissed her throat, then her cheek, as he worked his way round to her lips.

She breathed out his name and then she was kissing him back just as fiercely as he was kissing her, and Lee wished that time would just stop and he could stay in this moment forever.

Then Kara freed her mouth from his and what she said next changed his mind.

"Lee, lock the hatch."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A long time later, Kara curled her body around Lee's and pillowed her head on his bare chest, thinking that she had never felt so contented in her whole life.

Even flying a viper.

The hard floor was acutely uncomfortable and Kara knew she should get up and get dressed before anyone came banging on the hatch, but she couldn't bring herself to move. Couldn't bring herself to stop touching him, to tear away from this quiet moment of closeness between them.

So she stayed.

Lee's chest moved beneath her as he chuckled.

"If I'd known all I had to do was die to get you to admit that you loved me," he said lazily, "I'd have faked my own death long ago."

Kara lifted her head to glare at him. "Don't even joke about that." She pinched him for good measure.

"Ow, Kara!" Lee tried to squirm away from her, but she was pinning him to the floor. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Bad joke." He looked up and his face sobered as he scanned hers. "I am sorry, Kara. Really. That you had to go through all that."

"I'm not," said Kara flatly, and almost burst out laughing at the consternation on his face. She loved to confuse him like that.

"You're not?"

She smiled and brushed a hand through his hair. "Well, you said it yourself. If I hadn't thought you were dead I'd never have admitted I loved you. We'd have been dancing round each other until we were sixty."

Lee looked rueful. "You might have a point. I'm not sure I'd ever have found the courage to open myself up to you again if I hadn't lost my memory. And we'd certainly never have actually talked about our past rather than throwing it in each other's faces."

Their past. The mention of it made Kara feel awkward. "It's odd to think you remember that now, after all this time." She took a deep breath. "I was worried it might change how you felt. Now you remember all the fights we had-"

"But I remember the good times we had together too," said Lee softly. "And as for the bad times - look, Kara, we both made mistakes in the past. We both screwed up. But that's just what it is - the past. What matters now is the future. Do you understand?"

He held her eyes firmly until she nodded in agreement. "Then here's to the future," she said, and kissed him.

Some time later she lay back down in his arms and said: "I hope your dad doesn't mind about this. Us."

Lee turned his head to stare at her. "Why would he? I think he'll be pleased that we've finally come to our senses."

"I hope so." Kara frowned. "But he's our admiral as well as your dad, Lee. There are still those damned frat regs, and you'll be my direct commanding officer again once he makes you the XO-"

"What?" Lee half sat up in surprise, and Kara cursed as parts of her collided painfully with the floor. "He's making me the XO? When did that happen?"

"For frak's sake, Lee, he's been planning it all along." He really could be dense sometimes. "He's just been waiting till he thought you were fully recovered, and now your memory's back-"

"But what about Kelly? Won't he mind?"

Kara snorted. "Kelly will be weeping tears of joy. He's been desperate to be shot of that job for months."

"Really." Lee was silent for a moment and then smiled. "In that case Kara, it doesn't really matter if Dad approves or not."

"What do you mean?"

"If he won't accept it, we'll just threaten to resign. After all, where's he going to find another CAG _and _an XO?"

Kara laughed. "You really think that'll work?"

"Why not?" Lee put a hand on her cheek and turned her face so her eyes met his. "But seriously, Kara, I don't care what my dad thinks. We're together, and he'll just have to accept it. After all we've been through, I'm not letting you go. I need you too much."

Kara stared at him for a moment, letting his words sink in. Then she smiled, and leant over to kiss him again.

It seemed that she did need Lee Adama after all. But that was okay, because she knew now that he needed her right back.

**The End**

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Author's Note: **Many thanks to everyone who has read this story, particularly those who took the time to review. I was nervous about posting this, and I have been very encouraged by all the positive comments. In fact I've enjoyed posting this as much as I enjoyed writing it and that's all thanks to your reviews. I've also been having a stressful time at work these last few weeks, so coming home in the evening to read the comments on this story has cheered me up no end :-)


End file.
